My personal resume boasts a graduate degree, stable income and independence, an awesome rack and quick wit. All of which make me a pretty damn good catch if I do say so myself… add in my photographic memory for every article and tip I’ve ever read in Cosmo magazine and voila, DREAM BOAT!

Also, my over educated mind has created this fantasy picture that defines a healthy relationship as one that consists of two individuals with equal responsibility for providing the “good stuff” and yet here I sit, completely smitten over someone who could NEVER fit into that mental image.

Sad, right? But seriously…. I know I’m not alone in this one!

We all know him…he may be our kid brother, or bestfriends ex-boyfriend or…if the guy who, despite your better judgement you bend over backwards for and cant help but get butterflies when he writes you from the county jail.. (well, it hasn’t gotten that bad…yet).

Why are guys who are bad for us, the ones we enjoy the most!? I mean..I’m not living in my momma’s house anymore, this isn’t an attention seeking thing. I’ve had too much therapy to still blame this on a “daddy complex.” So what then? Maybe my fear of commitment finds safety in the direct contradiction with “ideal,” keeping me from ever having to commit? Maybe the internal social worker in me, just wants to fix him? Or maybe its the muscles… After all, robbing banks, and running from folks takes a lot of athletic ability! Yeah, I think its the muscles.

My current bad boy is 4 years younger then me, goes to a community college, delivers pizza for a living and sleeps on his sisters couch. While all of these attributes are less then the stable maturity I’m bringin’ to the table, I can explain most of them away with his age, and optimistically say that all of these situations can improve with time and the completion of a college degree. However, the “off-and-on girlfriend” he has but forgot to mention to me until she posted a heart on his Facebook wall, coupled with the time he attempted to drunkenly beat up a security guard because he couldn’t make the hostess move faster, and Mr. Bad Boy may have some character flaws that are far less then negotiable.

I spent a lot of time trying to balance the negatives against the butterfly feeling I get when he calls, and his awesome back rubs, and washboard stomach and decided that I’d be smart to take advice from some very knowledgeable musical lyricist who’ve helped me over many an emotional hurdle in life…

Now, I realize that this may not be helpful for your personal experience and it definitely isn’t the advice I would offer to my daughter or any other young girl in this situation but for me, in this instance, I’m choosing to listen to the douchebag extraordinaire Kanye West, and stick by his side ‘cuz “he got that ambition baby. Look in his eyes, this week he moppin’ floors, next week its the fries.” …and I’m going to allow the all knowing Mary J Blige to sing my story loud and proud until i’ve figured out how to overcome my affliction, and exclaim proudly that Me and Mr. Wrong got a good thing going on!

Sing along with me, wont you???

For years the reason for her singledom has been that she’s happy with her life and she doesn’t need anyone. She has said that sometimes she gets lonely, but not enough to put up with another person.

My mom has been married twice. She was not married when she got pregnant with me, at the age of 35. My dad was not too kind when that happened. I believe the words he told her, before he drove off were, “You need to think about how you got yourself in this situation.” He wanted her to have an abortion. She didn’t want to. 9 months later, Baby Girl (insert last name here) was born. I didn’t have a name when I went home from the hospital. I digress…

My mom needs a buddy. A pal. A man. A guy friend. A date. A wang.

She’s “happy” alone…but here’s the deal. She’s afraid to admit that she’s lonely. It makes her more lonely. But I can tell. I know this woman…and she is lonely.

She’s elluded to be curious about dating sites. She’s never took the leap before. Mainly because of money. Online love is expensive! $59.95 for one month on eharmony. I KNOW! Dannnng.

So I’m ______ this close to doing it. Her birthday is right around the corner. She will be 61. It’s about time she found an old fart to fart around with.

Yours hopeful for interwebz luv for my mama,

25swf

update: I bought the subscription and at first she was upset that I “wasted” my money…but knowing my mom, I let it sink in and she’s already talking about losing weight and getting ready to start going on dates and getting some free dinners. It’s a step, I’d say!

When I was first approached to start blogging about my love, sex, and relationship life, I was scared. I don’t think I was scared of people reading about my personal experiences, or judging me, or anything like that, I think I was mostly scared to open myself up to let others in on what happens in my head every single day. I know if you don’t write openly and honestly, then you start to sound boring and rehearsed. Nobody is interested in listening to somebody give the half truth, they want all the raw, dirty details. I have no clear intention in my writing, just mainly thought it would be fun, but maybe the words I write will ring true to somebody reading them, maybe I’ll be able to bring comfort to someone struggling with the same things, or maybe I’ll provide a laugh, and who doesn’t like to laugh?

Anyway, I’m a freedom fighting, feministing, liberal, badass. So if I ever write something you disagree with, good! If you think I’m “totally right on”, great! Let’s fight, sisters!  Let’s fight for what we believe in, let’s fight for what’s right, let’s fight for the greater good, let’s fight for equality, let’s fight for all the little AND big girls out there, let’s fight to fight!!! Now…don’t get me wrong, I’m not a man hater, in fact, I love men, without them, we aren’t here. I’ve met some very caring, compassionate, and loving men in my life, and I LOVE that I know them. I’m a sucker for the nice guy(think Patrick Fugit in Almost Famous). It’s the fact of pinpointing that one best friend to spend the rest of your life with that’s the issue isn’t it?  But for now, let’s not think about this, let us cherish who we are, where we’ve been, the people we’ve met, and where we’re going…we’ll focus on the love and other stuff later on.

In any case, I have zero credentials for writing(except the fact that I’ve been SINGLE for a long time), I generally have terrible grammar, and I’m new to the writing online game, BUT,  I hope you enjoy what I have to say, and thanks for letting me ramble. I look forward to writing more.

- firstand25

Oh, Will Smith…you are really doing it for me right now.

Speaking of running…marathon training has started. That’s 26.2 miles, justsoyaknow. I did it last year…barely. Now I’ve committed myself again…no thanks to a certain Wolf Shorty out there

Here’s to 4 months of running…a shit ton. This time I’m cross training to avoid the 13 extra pounds that snuck their way onto my hips, buttocks, and thighs. Keep the goldfish (cracker not the fish) away from me, I’m on a mission to get lean this time.

Yours taking advice from a Man in Black,

25swf

Little did she know “settling down” has been on my mind A LOT lately. Partially due to the fact that my best friend is getting married and we’ve been dress shopping a few times in the past month. Mostly due to the fact that (whether I like it or not) ever since I was a wee-one, I imagined getting married and doing all those things married people do. Which is odd because I had no central man figure in my life growing up (which I have a post about coming up) and my mom never dated. Like never. Marriage wasn’t something I was actually exposed to as a child…it was still something I romanticized.

And let’s be real. Damn Pinterest is making me feel a little antsy about settling down. All those amazing wedding ideas just flashing themselves at me. OF COURSE I have to pin them…in a board I call “Futures.”

But at the end of the day, I know I’m not even ready for that. I have plans to move in the next year. I have a lot more to worry about, and it doesn’t involve lace sleeves and trumpet shapes. I still daydream. And I wonder when I know when I’m ready? I guess I’ll know when I’m asked. And for some reason this video made me feel better about it all. Like I’m not the only one…with fears of suburbia (see my Revolutionary Road post) and the urge to settle down.

Yours feeling less alone thanks to Kimbra,

25swf

The other day Mr. M and I cuddled up and the next minute we were waking up. I don’t even remember feeling sleeping. We just fit perfectly. It was perfectly warm. Perfectly spaced. And we both fell asleep without even realizing it. That’s when I knew… we were (officially) a fit for serious cuddling. Phewww…that’s a relief.

Yours all cuddled up,

25swf

In an attempt to get in touch with how I truly feel about things right now so that I can decide what to do later, I would like to try honesty and NOT over-editing this post.

I miss ___. I do. I didn’t think I would still miss him this far on. It’s been 1 year, 2 months, and 26 days since we officially broke up, and 5 months and 20days since I asked him not to contact me anymore and quit talking to him. I still think that was a good choice, all things considered, and I’m not regretting that or missing our romantic relationship.

What I miss is having a friend, with whom I was completely and utterly honest, who knew more about me than a lot of people, and lived 15 minutes away. I have some friends like that now, but life and distance (distance is a big one) get in the way a lot of times. I’m not really one to bring up my problems unless we’re in close proximity (with each other or with my problems), or if you force me to tell you or ask point blank. I don’t know, maybe I’d rather everyone just understood what was going on in my head and offered to help whenever I needed it, magically guessing when I needed something. It’s hard when I want to reach out to someone and then think, nooooo… they’re probably enjoying their night, or their morning, or are busy with things, or happily going through their day with nary a thought of me in their head. UGH. That sounds so self-pitying. I don’t pity myself. I just don’t think that my problems matter much to other people. WHAAAAT. That’s dumb. I definitely have people to whom I know my problems matter. I know that. I just have a very, very difficult time reaching out, for some reason. I had a period after the relationship ended where I was better about talking about how I felt, about reaching out when I was sad, or when I missed him. Then after a few months I decided I was annoying everyone around me because they’d get (or I’d imagine they’d get) that distant look in their eye when I brought up his name.

I (honestly) didn’t think about him for a long time after we stopped talking. About 4 months, to be exact. It’s only this past month or so that I’ve started to think, What if we were friends again? What if we could pick up where we started, as friends, and stay there this time? Part of that may be because his facebook (DAMN THAT FACEBOOK) has recently had more activity than it usually does, which isn’t much considering it never had much activity to begin with. Part of it may be because I’m a little jealous that he’s been working on different films, and I haven’t been, and I want to hear about that part of life again. …part of it, and it shames me to admit it, is that some of the facebook activity has been from other gals.

But the biggest part, if, again, if I’m being completely honest, is that I’m afraid I’ll miss out on a big moment in his life. I’m afraid that something great will happen to his family, that his sister will get pregnant, or that he’ll finally finish writing that elusive screenplay, or that he’ll magically change into a grown-up person and be someone I could be friends with. Or that he’ll move away, or move out of his parent’s house, and I won’t know about it. BUT HEY – why shouldn’t he worry about missing the big things in my life?? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t. And when I think about it, that trumps the slightly panicky feelings I have of missing out on anything.

A Truly Honest Sidenote: I used to think about this stuff after we first broke up with the hope that if we just spent enough time together as friends, he would see how great I was, and how great his family and I got along, and want to get back together. Now I (honestly (gotta stay on theme)) don’t want to be back in a relationship with him. That part of my life is over, and I absolutely know that and accept that.

But to be friends… it’s so enticing. We could hang out occasionally, go to movies again with groups of people, go bowling or have coffee or whatever it is that friends do. I don’t know. Actually, me and my friends don’t really do that stuff. I don’t know what we really do, because a vast majority of my friends don’t live nearby.

The fantasy draws me in, sometimes, when I’m sad or lonely and don’t know who to call to tell them that I’m sad or lonely. It’s mostly at night, because with the late hours that I currently work, I’m usually up when everyone else is sleeping. And my brain buzzes at night. But in the harsh light of day (or of my computer screen), I know that the fantasy isn’t real. Because you know what I do with my friends? We talk. About life, love, relationships, jobs, travels, books, erections, sex, pooping, or whatever. I KNOW that I couldn’t talk to ___ about love or relationships. I know that he wasn’t ever very honest with me in the two years we were together. I know that I couldn’t talk to him about my life direction without him thinking that I still wanted it to have something to do with him. I KNOW that he is not someone who has magical insight into my life. And I know that if I were to have another relationship with someone else, which hasn’t happened yet, a lot of this would go away. But, like I said in that last post… I don’t really want a relationship. Even though it’s cold outside. I’d be okay with another fling though… There was one a little bit ago, and it was fun and wild and wonderful and happened over the space of a few days in a long summer month. Yes, another one of those would be all right by me.

I know this is a long post (which probably isn’t surprising). Eeeek. In summation – I know that ___ and I aren’t meant to have a relationship again, which I’m good with. I know that a friendship at this point would probably prove pretty awkward. And I know that the unanswered questions I have, which number 4 to be exact, I probably don’t really want to know the answers to.

But, to be honest, I still miss him. And, you know, to be honest? That’s okay.

bye bye,

1foot

For the full story see Laughing Squid…and subscribe to it because it has all the best things anyways.

I got asked out on a date a while ago. I accepted and we made plans. Then I thought about it some more and cancelled the date.

WHAT??!! But, 1foot, you’re… you know… *stage whisper* SINGLE…

Yep. I am! And I didn’t like the guy who asked and knew I wouldn’t be interested in him no matter how many dinners we had and… the list goes on.

I wanted to write about why I’m happy that I’m single, but it’s hard to write such things without sounding sort of dippy or defensive. But, so it’s out there in the most direct way possible – I’m happy I’m single right now, and I’m not saying that in a dippy or defensive way. I obviously still want someone to love me at some point in that relationshippy way; I’m not denying that that is a happy and fulfilling way to exist sometimes.

BUT

I got my own shit, yo. I’m in a job I don’t like, trying to change (update: changed it. More to come?). I’m unsure what I want to do in the next 2-3 years or where I want to go for the next step in my life. And I’m not in a place I want to stay in for a long time. So, at this point, commitment or being on the road to commitment doesn’t really make sense to me (and I’ve never really figured out the whole casual dating scene). 25swf had a post a long time back about the reasons she was happy to be single. They’re all good and interesting reasons. But for me, the main reason I’m happy I’m single right now has to do with me enjoying being with me. It’s not the old, “I want to take this time to really learn to be fulfilled on my own” situation. I am fulfilled on my own – I have been in the past and I am currently. It’s really that I want to make my own decisions, do things without having to ask or talk to someone about them, lounge around my house on some days in sweats and maybe not eat a real dinner tonight, or supplement my breakfast with candy corns (what? They’re delicious.). I love cooking, I enjoy having a clean living space, and going on jogs and reading books until 3 in the morning in my bed with the space heater on and some hot chocolate. It seems sometimes that in this society, because I’m not sailing on the relationship and don’t have a clear path, I’m not really an adult. I say to this – phooey! Being an adult female seems to necessitate being in a relationship for some people, especially in this part of our GREAT NATION.

I guess what I’m learning is, I’m not necessarily one of those people. I live here, I’m an Oklahoman, and I’m glad I’m not married or tied to someone and considering altering my plans to fit theirs. Which, let’s get it out there. I have a tendency to kind of… get caught up in other people. That’s another reason I’m not super keen on getting into another relationship. I don’t want to get caught up again and stop thinking about what I want. Probably with the right person that wouldn’t happen, but I just know myself, and I want to have concrete steps taken in the direction of fulfilling my passion before meeting someone who I would maybe want to throw it all away for.

Sometimes when our friends are super happy in their relationships, they see us single ladies and think… if only! If only they could meet so-and-so or that-mustachioed-fellow or great-personality-guy! They would be so happy, just like me! And out of the goodness of their hearts, and wanting what’s best for us, they kind of tend to… nudge, push, shove (there are varying degrees of these friends) us toward a relationship with someone.

And I would like to say, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you thinking of me. But please, talk to me more. Find out how I’m feeling about relationships and guys in general, or about my life in general. Ask me how the path I’m on is going, and encourage me to find a new path if it’s not working out. Don’t assume that the only thing that will make me happy and more fulfilled is a forced, awkward date with some random guy. Sure, I bet sometimes these situations work out. But in my experience, relationships tend to grow out of chance encounters, mutual group hangouts, and/or deep friendships. Not because a Love Mastermind, or matchmaker, put their fingers in the pot and stirred. (Friends reading this – I don’t have anyone specific in mind for the character of  Love Mastermind! Just generalizations! I would (and have) call you out personally if I felt like you were doing this.)

I know I’m just me, and the things that bug me or make me feel awkward are not necessarily the things that would make others feel bugged or awkward. But we single ladies have a lot to answer for sometimes, in the eyes of others. I’ve been accused of being a lesbian (the horror!!) before at family gatherings, because I didn’t have a man at my side. I get asked when I’m going to settle down. What does that even mean? Settling down? Commitment scares the poop out of me, and as my 63-y-o coworker once told me, “IT SHOULD. It’s scary! It’s not easy! Sometimes it’s not worth it! But sometimes it is.” I just haven’t gotten there yet, and part of loving yourself is accepting and being happy in your own shoes.

Oh. I have crushes on some gentlemen right now, just so y’all are aware. Multiple crushes on multiple guys. Who I don’t see, call, or text, ever. One of those people is this guy. Is that insane? Maybe. But for now, love/like from a distance feels best. For now, I don’t know where I’m going. And that’s kind of too much messiness to put on someone else at this point. Heck, it’s kind of too much messiness for me some days! But you know, we’ll all figure it out, or we won’t. I feel like love happens when I’m not looking for it. Well. This is me. Actively NOT looking for it. Is that possible? Who knows. I don’t! But I’m happy with that. I know at some point I’ll get the longing to settle down (probably) and then I’ll be all like OH SNAP WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD DUDES AT!?! At that point, you know what I’ll do? Blog about it.

bye bye!

1foot

Mr. M is the first relationship in my life where we have taking things uber slow, but not dumb slow. I’ve known him since March, and usually by this time we’d be saying the big four letter word (you know, LOooooVE) to each other. But we’re holding off. We haven’t even talked about it. And I know why…because we feel the same way about it. We want to wait for it.

All this to say/ramble on, I think dating sites are really great for a lot of people. I read this on Mashable.com today and it got me thinking about all of the ways you can meet someone. Who’s to say one way is better than the next? Have you ever dated someone you met online? Would you recommend it?

Yours world wide web-wondering,

25swf