I’m a mess, now what?

I just got back from having dinner with a close friend and I haven’t been able to get something she asked me off my brain–“How do you get over it?” After all the months, years, however long, of being a part of each others lives, how do you just end it and then move on? And then I had a weird sense of deja vu and it’s probably due to the fact that I ask myself this question all the freakin’ time.

Some people eat ice cream, turn into hermits, turn into whores, start a new hobby, move away, run away. Oh, there are about a 1,000 different things people do to place band-aids on their mangled hearts. But what heals us?

Something tells me that time is the answer. But I think that’s bullshit. That’s what people tell themselves when they really don’t have the answer. What happens between the then and the now?

This is what I think……………

1st step: SURVIVAL- you do whatever you need to do to just get through the day without killing yourself or anyone else. If these means gorging yourself on some Ben and Jerry’s or just locking yourself in a room for a week, then do it.

2nd step: CRY, A LOT- some people aren’t big criers. But this doesn’t have be completely literal. Crying can also be a mental thing. You know, those funky days where you just can’t seem to feel better? Well, my theory is that you should give yourself those days. Tell yourself, okay self you get this day to feel bad and to cry or to do whatever self-loathing things you want to do, but tomorrow is mine. bitch.

3rd step: RE-MEMORING- or recreating memories. This is not as bad as it sounds. You pass the donut shop on your way to to work and he always used to bring you surprise donuts when you had a bad day. You reminisce, feel depressed and then want to die. Well, you have to create a new memory about that donut shop so the donuts don’t run your life. I’m a big fan of re-memoring-ing.

4th step: YOUR OWN THANG- Keeping busy is one of the best ways to ignore your problems. It can be dangerous if you go on like that for too long, but it’s important to have a life. Do the things you want to do. Maybe you were holding back or the person you were in a relationship was holding back. This is the time to let lose. Who the fuck cares? You’re not trying to impress anyone…And if you are already trying to get in a relationship, please stop here and restart with step 1.

5th step: ONE IS THE BEST NUMBER-  A lot of people I talk to disagree with me on this one. They say that this isn’t really necessary. Well, I think it depends but most of the time I think it’s key. Just sit with yourself, watch a movie, go shopping by yourself and really examine how you feel, why you feel that way and, most importantly, how you want to feel. For me, I want to feel ok. OK being alone. OK just sitting. Which is the opposite of feeling lonely. Is that possible? I think it is. I think it comes with loving yourself and being confident that when you are least expecting it, it will come to you. Looking for it always leads to less than desirable situations. That’s when you start to settle or give into things you normally wouldn’t.

But overall, getting over the fact that you’ve been emotionally shit on has to do everything with family and friends. Without them I don’t know what I would do. They listen to me rant and rave. They give me advice. And the most important thing to me, they don’t judge me and they love me unconditionally, which is the strongest emotional rainbow you can find.

Til our next embrace,

25swf

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