Yes, you read that right.
I had my first orgasm when I was 21. I’ve always had a highly active imagination and when I was younger (like 11) I use to stay up super late to wait for Cinemax to start airing their TV-MA content. When I would see those four letters my entire lower half would start tingling. No, really. I LOVED porn. And even when I was older, it really turned me on. But just because my ladyness tingled didn’t mean I knew anything about anything.
I was absolutely lost when it came to masturbation. It didn’t feel right. It felt fake and silly. And that definitely didn’t turn me on. When I started having sex at 16 I thought that would change. HA! I couldn’t have been further from the secret of my O. Having sex so young just made it harder to enjoy sex. I used to cry afterwards. I cried because I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I felt lonely. I felt a lot of things that I wasn’t ready to feel yet.
From then on when I told my boyfriend’s that I hadn’t found it yet they all responded with pretty much the same reaction, they ALL thought they’d give it to me. And they all failed. That didn’t really bother me, because I didn’t expect it. But oh boy did it bother them. Well, at first. And then they just stopped trying all together. Sex was a one way street and I wasn’t even in the car.
When I was a freshman in college my roommate and I started talking about sex and orgasms (she was a virgin). She was the total opposite of me. She could orgasm just by thinking about it hard. She had her first orgasm when she was REALLY young and didn’t even know what it was. As I was taking a shower and discussing my sexual frustrations she came in the bathroom and spouted, “I can’t believe you’ve never had an orgasm! That is SO sad.” I just started crying. Yes, it is sad! It wasn’t like I had a choice. I felt broken. I felt incomplete and, most of all, I felt alone.
To make matters worse, when I was about 20 I saw an OETA (free TV) documentary about these three British women who couldn’t have orgasms. I don’t even remember what it was called but it was the most depressing and traumatizing thing. They were all older, in their 50’s or so, and had never had an orgasm. If I remember correctly, they were all married too. Out of desperation they signed up for an experiment where some kind of stimulator was surgically placed underneath their clitoris. And then when they were aroused and doin’ their thing they would push a button that would basically turn the thing on. Weird, I know. For two out of the three women, it worked. They were ecstatic. They looked like different women. Their husbands were so happy that they were happy and it was all wonderful. And then there was the third.
This last woman was mortified that this had not worked. They tried multiple procedures, placing the device in typical stimulated areas. And nothing. She sunk into an even bigger hole. Her face was unforgettable. I thought to myself, what if I am going to be this woman?
And then I thought to myself…Fuck that.
I was determined. I was absolutely determined to find my orgasm. And I began the journey by writing about it. I talked to more people about it. Asked them what worked. And then someone mentioned (heavenly music) a shower head.
At first I felt silly. Awkward, even. I didn’t know what I was doing but sometimes I would hit a certain spot and my legs would go out of control. I probably looked like a fish out of water. It wasn’t sexy. It wasn’t hot. But it was amazing. I was feeling things I had never felt. It would get to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore and I would have to stop. But then one day, I didn’t stop. I didn’t want to. I had better control of my legs and I was less frantic. I controlled everything with my breathing. When I exhaled deeply I could feel the pressure and the sensation was…indescribable. When I had my first orgasm I started laughing and crying. And I’m going to tell you something that is going to sound strange but I literally felt like I could do anything, that I could change the world. It was like an outer body experience and I felt like I had been filled with some kind of voice. I fell in love with myself.
And so there I was. 21. Sprawled out in my bath tub, using my shower head to get off. And I found a part of myself that had been hiding–afraid of what would happen if it was let out.
I still can’t have orgasms during sex but I have different sensations. And truthfully I could care less about that. I can have orgasms whenever I want, wherever I want…well just about anywhere, as long as there’s a shower head. 😉
Til our next embrace,