Dad? Are you out there? Thanks for returning my phone calls.
I met my dad for the first time when I was about nine years old. I didn’t hold any resentment towards him, hate him, or even question him as to where he had been for those nine years. I knew very little about what was going on. From then on I would visit my dad, step mom and half brother about twice a year. When I turned 16 I wasn’t able to visit as much because of my job. And then even less when I went to college.
And now I’m 25. He hasn’t been paying child support for about two years (he had to pay back child support) and ever since he stopped writing the checks, I feel like he’s done with his investment. See, if you are paying for something you’re going to want to see it.
I haven’t talked to my father since June. I called him for father’s day. I tried calling a few times before that, left messages that were never returned.
The other day I tried calling again. No answer. No call back.
And then in a wave of clarity, because my feelings were seriously hurt, I realized I have father issues. DAMN.
I thought I was immune to them because I never felt like his absence really ever had an affect. I told myself that I was never going to use the “I didn’t have a dad” excuse and act like an ass because of it. I always felt like I was above the whole idea of a father. My mom raised me fine and dandy, who needs a dad? Can we say DENIAL?
Growing up I had no consistent man in my life that loved me unconditionally. And that night, after no answer, I had a dream. In the dream a friend of mine was telling me all of my issues. She was reading me like an open book. She told me that my relationships never work out because of all this bullshit. She said I yearn for physical love from men. Or rather, just a man. It’s the connection, physical and otherwise, that I seek. I easily slip into relationship after relationship because I am trying to fill that hole in my heart.
It’s just sad when I watch a movie with a good father character and I wish I had something close to that. I hope that my children have a good father. They seem hard to come by.
So with all these daddy realizations I have come to a peaceful place where I’m trying to deal. I know what I need to do. I need to talk to him. Tell him all of this. But I don’t think I’m ready for that. I’m just afraid that if I don’t do it soon I’ll let this eat away at me and it will affect me more than it already does….
But before I can do that, he’s going to have to return my calls.