Sorry for the graphic title, but there’s a lot of shit-happening in this post and actually (after writing this) I realized a lot of beds and couches were involved, too. So, you will soon see how it very descriptively plays out.
(**warning** this post is long and somewhat rambly. I tried and edit where I felt like I was mouth vomiting, but it still feels janky to me. So I apologize in advance for any post-related injuries. It took me about 2 days to write because of how involved and emotional it is. Enter at your own risk.)
During one of the most hellish points of my life my three very close friends left the state. Best Friend One, we can call her L, got a grown-up job in Arkansas. BF Two, A, was off to Israel to be with her fiance. And BF Three, K, was on her way to Nicaragua to do non-profit work. I was so happy for all of them. Supportive, positive, excited! Within a matter of days and weeks of ALL of them leaving, the shit hit a big ‘ole ass fan in my life. And I was so in shock about what was happening in my own life to really be sad about the three closest people in my life growing up.
Here are the series of events so you can understand the chaos that my life was in less than a year ago.
(If you so desire to catch up on the history of MF you can read: A Year of Fears, Excuse my language but he’s a mindfuck, or Curiosity killed the…)
1– I met MF on November 6, 2009. I fell madly, deeply in love in less than two weeks. He invited me to Missouri and Eureka Springs with his family for Thanksgiving–they all wanted to meet me. While walking around the hillside he pulled my hand, “I need to tell you something,” and ran to a little spot away from the crowds, he pulled me into him, kissed me sweetly and told me he loved me. I swear to god I died. Writing this now is even making me cry. I fell. SO HARD. His family was amazing. His grandma and I would talk forever about traveling and little trinkets we found in the gift shops. After this trip, his family included me in their Christmas celebration, buying me tons of presents and overwhelming me with love. Over the next couple of weeks he would make these playlists, sending me songs that he said reminded him of me and us. Later I would find out that most of these songs were experiences he had with ex-fiance. As in, he told me to stop listening to a song that I fell in love with (because he sent it to me), because that was the song they were going to walk to down the aisle. A piece of me died inside. That was my first trip to New York (December 31).
2– We talked about marriage and kids, and moving in together over the next few months. Moving to Seattle. Starting companies. Working on movies. Moving to England. Moving to New York. Ginger babies. The whole shabang. We were (seemingly) completely on the same page in life.
3– In April 2010 my lease went up and I sold most of my possessions to move in with Mr. MF. I wanted to get new things eventually anyways, but the move prompted urgency. I had huge reservations, but I thought if I did this than maybe MF would realize that I wasn’t fucking around. I wanted this relationship to work. I knew he was still hung up on his ex. But I wanted him to know that I was working to gain his trust. BIG MISTAKE.
4– I moved in
5– Summary is: I was treated like shit and told I was always unhappy when I brought things up that bothered me. There are lots of fights sprinkled in here where I broke up with him and then he would convince me that we could work on it. He was the BEST at cleaning things up, temporarily. When I brought up an idea about creating weekly lists of things we could do for each other that would make us happy he made a joke out of it and laughed. But the lists…were a joke. I asked him to kiss me goodnight, not make misogynist jokes, and bake me brownies if I had a really bad day. His list was clean up boxes, get the cat (my cat*) out of the bathroom, and not always offer my opinion/advice on things when he talked about stuff bothering him. I always did all things on the list. If he did one, I was told to consider myself lucky. He also tried to get me to give away my cat. But I did take her to my mom’s for a while, which felt like I was giving her up. I really felt like I had no choice.
Soon after moving in we made a trip to Ikea to get some furniture (all of which he kept, even though I paid for half). On the way back from Ikea we got into an awful fight. I was driving and he was screaming at me so loudly that I had to pull off the road. I was crying and so speechless I had to get out of the car and breath. This wasn’t the same incident, but once I was pissing him off (his words) and he said to me, “Sometimes you make me want to just knock your glasses off your face.” I was appalled and didn’t even know how to reply. I don’t even remember what I said. Let’s just say, when he got mad, he scared me. So, that’s just SOME of the bull shit that happened. But all of it was huge to me. Red flags…on fire.
6– I found the sex file of him and his ex-fiancee on his desktop (July 25). I was broken. He asked me why I had watched it and was mad that I didn’t call him right away when I saw what it was. He said he was thinking about how he still had it and wanted to delete it. So that’s why he pulled it onto his desktop from the hard drive, to delete it. He was clueless as why it was still there. He tried to make it better by telling me he knew how I felt. He said he found pictures of his ex and her ex-boyfriend and was broken by it. He said what made him feel better was asking questions. So I asked…”Did you fuck her the way you fuck me?” I was so vulgar. I was so hurt. I was crying and screaming at the same time. I didn’t want him to touch me. I kept seeing the image of him turning on the camera, night vision was on, walking over to the bed. She was in some lingerie. He pulled her to the side and pulled her thong off. My eyes kept watching. My heart stopped beating. He took the camera down. Coming close to her and zooming in on everything. This looked familiar.
One night when we were making love he pulled out his phone. I asked what he was doing and he said, “Trust me.” I trusted him. He recorded us…me…I asked him, you haven’t done this before have you? No. He said. I loved that video. It turned me on. It made me feel so happy inside. It wasn’t dirty or gross. It was really hot to me that he wanted that. But watching this. Watching his video, of him and his ex, changed everything. I was disgusted with myself. I felt dirty and used. I was a fool. When I brought that up, how he had lied to me, he said he didn’t really lie…he had never done that with his phone. I made him delete the video of us. Who knows if it’s anywhere else.
I slept on the floor. Looking at that bed made me want to die. It was the same bed, the same apartment, the same video camera I had used on our trips together. I slept on the couch every night after that. I dreaded walking in there. Walking past the bed to go to the bathroom I would look away, down, just not there. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I told MF if he helped me I thought we could work through it and I would eventually heal. I really believed that. When I met her, the ex, for coffee I debated whether I would tell her any of this. I didn’t. There really was no reason. He said he deleted it, so that should never happen again. And I felt awful that I had seen something so private, so not meant for other eyes. My eyes. But when I told her that relationship was traumatizing, I don’t know if she will really ever know what I meant.
7– 6 days after the sex file-find I went to Alaska with him (August 2). I wanted to cancel the entire trip but then I decided that I should be an “adult” and try to work through everything.
8– 4 weeks after Alaska I still didn’t want to sleep in The Bed so I slept on the couch every night. One night, he yelled at me that I would have to get over it and we weren’t getting a new bed.
9– I sold my car on September 2. MF told me to take a train to get home (I worked 30 minutes away from the apt.). He said he was joking and said he didn’t know what time he could come pick me up because he had some things to do. You know the saying about the camel and the straw. This was the straw, funny enough. A stupid ride. Not a sex video, or a threat to hit me. I broke up with MF on September 2.
10– That night I slept on the couch at my friend’s place.
11– I had no car, no cat (I would get her back later!), no clean clothes, no home.
12– I bought a car on September 3. This was the 2nd worse experience of my life. They lied to me and gave me a replacement car until mine arrived. That night I moved all of my stuff out of MF’s apt. It took 5 hours and 3 trips. He wasn’t around because he was performing his music at a club.
13– I stayed at my friend’s place for 2 weeks, looking for a place to live that wasn’t a shit hole, took cats, and had *wood floors. (Wood floors are the best, and I wanted them).
14– September 8 my friend messaged me and said she was looking for someone to take over her lease and if I knew anyone to let her know. I told her I wanted it. It was perfect. Ironing board built into the wall, phone nook, vanity built in…I was in love. On top of this she had a mattress that she had just gotten (never been used), but didn’t need it. “Do you need a mattress?” she laughed. But I did. I had sold mine when I moved in with MF. I didn’t even have a damn bed.
15– On September 18, 2010 I moved into my new apartment. It was my safe haven. ALL MINE.
Sounds pretty fucking awful, huh? Well, it was. I mean, no one died…but gimme a break. What the hell.
Reading this “series of events” really simplifies all of my feelings about that relationship and slams together events that really have more to them. This is my side of the story. His would probably be very, very different. Not only because of obvious reasons, but I’d venture to say because he also has a delusional sense of himself. Also, I’m still pissed about everything. But I’m working on that, forgiveness is vital.
My three friends that I mentioned at the beginning of this post (L, A, and F) probably don’t even know these details. I was telling them some of this stuff when we would catch up, but really…I don’t even think they really know. My friend L, never liked him and told me to get out multiple times. My other friend, A, was supportive of what I wanted to do and always would listen to my rants with loving ears. And K, she had reservations about MF but she was there from the beginning. The first time I was chatting with MF she saw me falling. I was giddy, I was absorbed, I was in love. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this person. In the beginning, my heart was telling me to go. A few months into the relationship my heart was telling me to run. Away. Fast. That if I stayed in this relationship, I would slowly lose myself. I would be miserable. I was miserable.
I had to learn how to ask for help from friend’s that I was close to, but not as close to. It taught me a very important lesson about myself, asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
And now, that things are “normal” and the world isn’t moving at 500mph I’m thinking a lot about them.
I think it’s really strange how we all were at very big crossroads in our lives all at the very same time. We all were in a whirlwind.
I miss them. I did when they left, too. But now I’m missing them because I know our lives are forever different now. Being 25 is the time in our lives where people start moving away, building their own lives, and…(I guess that’s what it’s called) grow up.
Despite all the shit hitting the fan last year, I am so excited to see where we are going and what paths we create for ourselves. I love all of my friends and I feel so lucky to be surrounded with such beautiful, talented, and genuine people. You are rare, friends. Everyone should make sure they tell their friends I love you. It’s cliche, but you don’t know how long they will be around, even if they are just moving a state or country over.
Yours openly and gratefully,
GAWD. Sometimes I think about making a list, just to see it all put out there- reality. But it’s still way too horrifying. Thanks for sharing yours. I love you. 🙂
Horrifying, indeed! I thought about this list a long time ago, and I wasn’t ready either. Then it just started coming out. So I let it. It’s still hard to read, but actually with every day it feels a bit better…the list is helpful when you get the point of really clearing all the shit out. And the hardest part of all of the was I had to be honest with myself. I’m still working on that, self-honesty, but I think it’s getting easier. Who the hell knows though. I ❤ you too.
swf25 – this is painful and you’re so brave for sharing. what’s amazing is that you were suffering so much and yet no one knew. we feel that we need to constantly hide when we’re dying inside so that the world doesn’t know and think of us as weak. i can’t say i “enjoyed” reading about your anguish but i appreciate your candor in reflecting up on such a difficult time.
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