I just got off the phone with a very wise friend of mine and she blew my mind (with the help of Queen Elizabeth I.)
I told her how recently I’ve gone through all my profiles and accounts (Facebook, Vimeo, Gmail, Grooveshark, and even the archaic Myspace- where we actually met…or, rather, he found me) and I’ve been deleting MF (aka Mind Fuck) from all of them. Even pictures of him. I have no need to keep these faux memories of “nice” times. Untagging this picture, and deleting that email. Unsubscribing from his company crap that I tried to support. Unsubscribing from related twitter feeds, and protecting my own ‘sweet tweets’ is incredibly mind clearing. (I just really wanted to say sweet tweets, they are not actually sweet). Like spring cleaning your house, you trash the stuff that doesn’t belong. And MF definitely does not belong.
But there’s this video…
When we trekked to Alaska this past summer I tagged along my video camera and cut together a little video of the trip. Interestingly enough I edited it after I broke up with him. I was trying to “get over it” and thought it would be helpful to remember and then let go. It didn’t really do the trick. Obviously, this is why we are (partially) here.
In the convo, I also brought up the idea that maybe I should take the video down, cut him out, and put it back up. I mean, I was doing it in my other profiles, and it felt great. But something felt kind of wrong about it. Not wrong in the sense of me caring about him. But just…wrong. At one point in the video I am excited about this “geyser,” which it’s not actually a geyser at all, and I get kind of giddy about it, trying to get him excited. He looks at it and then completely unemotionally looks forward. Welcome to the side of our relationship I tried to cut out of the video. I did a great job, actually. I remember when I was editing it I thought, cut away before you can really see that face. That’s all that relationship was to me and how it lasted 10 months…it was my REALLY kick ass editing job, not just with the video, but with the whole life thing. I will be taking Oscar nominations January 25, ahem.
I told her all of this…And then she said it…
“Do you remember Elizabeth, the first movie?”
I mean I’ve seen it…but it’s been awhile.
“When she has to decide whether or not to kill Dudley she said ‘He shall be kept alive to always remind me of how close I came to danger.’
I’m keeping it the way it is. The pictures will go. But the video will stay. To remind me of how close I came to danger. Because in all seriousness, I am incredibly lucky that I got myself out of that relationship.
I have a vacation scrapbook I need to finish… and I will. Among all the other things I have gotten rid of. But not as a reminder of how close I came to danger… I think I have enough of that in storage marked “wedding” for now. No I will keep it as a reminder of possibly the last time we were really happy together, before the shit hit the fan… a reminder that things aren’t always this way. I accept everything that happened, it is a part of me now, but I refuse to accept it in him… which is why we don’t have contact really. That person was unnacceptable to me. But I think it will be acceptable to remember him as I loved him and only as such; to fight his demons with gratitude and fondness.
Lovely, you got out. And those stupid little moments of reality that you want to edit under the rug? I’m so glad you’re keeping them somewhere. And I think you should freeze frame on that stupid look of his and edit in some siren sounds and maybe a flashing police light. But hey, it’s your video 🙂
1foot, you’re so smart. There could be Alaska REDUX.
I wanna see the Alaska video! Always wanted to go there
I will send it to you via facebook since I have a good idea who you are. 😉