(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
So I had an accidental make-out last weekend. Which led to me spending the night at his house. No sex this time around, but there’s still something pretty intimate about waking up next to someone the next morning. Especially when I know good and well that I’m not over my last long-term relationship. The jury is still out on how things will go with Mr. Accidental, but it got me thinking about how we so often try to mask our emotional pain and shit we’re dealing with by just piling more shit on top of it. And how I still feel like I’m just biding time for my ex to “figure it out.” Obviously, I’m past the point of sitting at home crying every night, but I have it in the back of my mind that these interactions with other men or the new places I go and thing I do each day are just temporary until he finally comes running back into my arms, telling me how wrong he was. And that’s just not fair. I should be totally embracing my new adventures and not holding back. Plus, I should give the new people I meet the respect of being totally present and not hung up on the past.
And that takes me to the point of getting over the “nice guy.” How do you do it?
It’s easy to hate an abuser, an asshole, or a misogynist prick. But when they’re nice, caring guys that still manage to hurt you so deeply. That’s when I feel at a loss. And think, “God damn! Even the ‘good ones’ are bad! Now what are we left with!?”
As is so often the case for us women folk, we make excuses for them. Sure he’s nice and he knew me so so well and took care of me when I was sick and knew how to make me laugh, and cooked my favorite meals, but that only takes you so far. My best girl friends can do those things too. He used to talk about how he would love to sell everything and go out on a motorcycle and make a movie. Just let it consume him. The open road, meeting new people, all of it. At first I thought, How cool! I’m dating such an adventurist! But as time went on, I thought, why the hell can’t you show ME that kind of passion? Why after two years can you really not sacrifice any of your lazy, no-responsibility comforts for me? After two years, why can’t you even say you’re in love with me?
But bottom line is, he’s not going to do what I want him to do. It doesn’t matter how kind he is or how well I thought we worked together. He’s not going to all of a sudden, at 30 years of age, become a person who takes initiative, who leads the relationship forward, who puts in just as much love and time and effort as I do. Who makes me feel like I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him.
I wanted him to do all of these things and I gave him endless chances and it’s just NOT GONNA HAPPEN. He’s not that guy. At least, not in this relationship at this time. When a man says “I love you but I’m not sure I’m in love with you,” he’s telling the truth, and the truth is “run far away from this relationship”. We deserve more than that from our men.
So I’m slowly but surely trying to free my heart. It’s mine, I want it back, and more importantly, when I finally find someone I’m ready to give it to again, I want to give them the whole thing and not just the leftovers.
Crying out for freedom!
I once met with a “religious professional” when I was at a crossroads in my life about professional and personal issues. He said one of the wisest things I’ve ever heard:
in life, there are “sliders” and there are “deciders.”
Sounds like your guy is a slider. He slides into decisions…life happens to him. He has all these “ideas” about life and things he wants to do, but is he out there doing them? Or just “talking about doing them.” Just like he’s “talking about falling in love with you”…He wants do so many things but can’t seem to let himself do them.
In taking back your heart, you have the right to “decide.” You can decide to be in, or be out. Sounds like you have initiative, passion and drive and deserve to find someone who has those same sentiments about you. Someone who doesn’t have a 100 “ideas” but one solid choice.
Getting over the “nice guy” is incredibly hard but it gets better not talking to them or making them a part of your life. They will try and weasel themselves back in, but for everyone’s sake, they shouldn’t be there. And since he’s nice, that means you can be friends…but that comes later, much, much later.
It’s hard to get over someone like this, a “slider” (such a great term, 27swf!), because he never really seemed to do anything wrong. There’s no main place for you to focus your anger, and it’s hard to not keep making excuses for him even in the aftermath of your relationship, because it’s become a habit. Well… habits can be broken. And like you said, it’s time to free your heart, which is such a beautiful sentiment. Take to the open waters, Irish Pirate, and claim what’s yours!