(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
A wise woman once told me men always come in pairs. And she’s never failed to be correct (until you’re in a monogamous relationship, of course, and then hopefully it’s just the two of you.) But I digress.
What I’ve left out of the Doggy Style (part 1, part 2) story is that there’s been another guy in the eaves that I’ve been seeing simultaneously. Let’s call him Young Tom Hanks (YTH) — because he is young Tom Hanks: tall, adorable, kind of goofy, and knows how to make me laugh.
I met YTH at a party which I happened to be at with Doggy Style. While Doggy hid in the corner, sipping his vodka soda (might have forgotten to mention he’s manorexic), YTH approached me — he’d heard about the film I directed last summer and was eager to learn more about it. We chatted, exchanged info, and parted ways — he back to his friends, I home to make out with Doggy Style.
Cut to a month later, after a few Facebook messages, YTH and I met up for drinks. About 45 minutes in, I realized I might be on a date. This question was answered by the fact that he paid. Though my feminist streak was offended, my lady soul was charmed.
As things with Doggy just sorta simmered on the low burner, YTH and I went out on two more “outings” — one for drinks and another on…wait for it…VALENTINE’S DAY. Yes, the man asked me out on Valentine’s Day. That was conveniently the only day last week that I didn’t hear from Doggy Style.
As he walked me to my car after a delicious sushi dinner, I thought to myself: Who is this commitment non-phobe? Why is he so confident? Why isn’t he afraid of me?
And sadly, Why don’t I find him attractive?
I pondered this: why do I find someone like Doggy Style — a BOY with commitment issues, an impotent penis, a damaged heart and a yearning stomach so appealing and comfortable, while this nice, strapping, fearless MAN is somehow…boring. The thought of kissing YTH makes my insides squirm and the idea of getting naked with him…well…let’s not talk about it.
Come on, 27swf. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you want to get with Young Tom Hanks? Millions of people literally have paid to hang out with Young Tom Hanks (on screen, that is) and you’re rejecting him?
All of this boils down to one, Machiavellian issue: power in the relationship.
Doggy Style is insecure, indecisive, inconclusive and kind of a loner (he calls himself a “lone wolf,” which is kind of funny, given his penchant for little furball puppies). Doggy thinks being lone wolf gives him power over me but really, it gives all the power to me. I’m the rock of stability. I don’t really need him — in fact, I might even be better off without him. My 25swf self loves these relationships (they’re really the only ones I’ve ever had) because I have positioned myself as the one who is needed. I feel special that I can look past this person’s flaws and thus earn their trust and dependence.
YTH, on the other hand, doesn’t need me to feel secure. I have no power over this guy. He’s a catch — I know it and he knows it. I can see he’s pretty cool, but so can the whole world. This makes him both appealing but also boring…because there’s no mystery about whether he’s able to commit, whether I’ll be able to earn his trust, whether he’ll call. If I allow him, it will happen. He won’t grapple onto me for dear life because he doesn’t have to. This fact is disappointing to someone (like me) who gets a high off the power of dependence.
So, armed with this knowledge, 27swf is going to give YTH a chance. Heck, millions of people can’t be wrong, right?
Signing off for now,