(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
Okay, so I was recently unemployed and will probably be headed back to that line here in another month or so. During that time I was really productive, BUT! There was A LOT of down time. Too much down time to sit and really think about my life and what’s not so great about it. So down time led to down times, which is what happens when dépêche mode slows the fuck down.
Dépêcher is the French verb for, to hurry. I’ve been in dépêche mode for … all of my adult life, which is a long time seeing how I am 32. It has been one hell of a roller coaster year, emotionally and professionally. This time last year my mom was just out of the hospital after having been in the hospital, for over a month. I think I’m just now getting to a place where I’m not as anxious about her illness and her journey on the road to recovery.
Then I dated “Blue Collar”, who just couldn’t get over the fact that I have a degree. I was like, “dude, are you kidding me, it’s a degree in fine arts.” Never in a million years would I say that, because I know what I had to go through to get that fine arts degree. I worked my ass off! Can we say dépêche mode on crack! Took me two moths to realize that I couldn’t make him feel secure about his lack of a college education. Never in a million years would I ever be able to do that. Then I dated “The Booty Caller”. Now this one was an ass hole from jump, but he was an ass hole with a degree and was in a Master’s Petroleum Engineering Program. I don’t even know why I went out with him at all. Maybe, it was because we had such great verbal sparring matches. Actually, I think I really just enjoyed watching him trying everything under the kitchen sink in order to try to get into my pants. I didn’t sleep with him. I was NEVER going to sleep with him. I finally told him that very fact. He eventually moved on. After two months.
All the while, I had been talking to a young man I’d gone to high school with, who still lived in my hometown. We reconnected via The Facebook. “Hometown Boy” was super sweet. He texted me everyday. We’d talk for hours on the phone. He surprised me by having flowers delivered to the restaurant where I was having my birthday dinner. I SO wanted this to work, especially after “Blue Collar” and “The Booty Caller” failed to measure up. I finally had a visit home where I wasn’t tending to my mom and could do my own thing. So, Hometown Boy and I went out on a date. I couldn’t have been more disappointed. I had ZERO attraction to him. I repeat ZERO. So, that was the end of that. I cooled the romance jets for a while and threw myself into the other aspects of my life. After a few months, I reconnected yet again via The Facebook with an old friend/crush. We’d actually been friends on the FB for a little over a year. It wasn’t until I noticed in my news feed that he’d uploaded some new pics. I went a creeping and found that “Former Crush” was looking pretty damn good and that maybe I should re-evaluate the former part. I commented on his pics. He commented back. I commented again. He commented back. This was surely a sign that I should ask him out. So, I did. We dated for; you guessed it, two months.
That’s the short long of it, really. Recently I had someone in my cross hairs and was about ready to pull the trigger, when things slowed down. A single thought cooled my trigger finger. I thought, “if you don’t pull this trigger, then you will be at peace knowing that you have no one to distract you from what needs to be done during this break. If you pull the trigger, then the only person distracting you is you.” I dropped my gun, put my hands up, and surrendered. That has made all the difference. Or at least I am hoping it does.