(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
Let’s just be friends.
Most relationships end this way. But what do you do when that’s how it starts?
Lately, I’ve become very close friends with a guy named Doggy Style. We do everything together. We eat (I’m his excuse for breaking his draconian diet). We smoke hookah (we have joint custody of a beautiful Egyptian number). We sit by the beach, waiting for the tsunami to hit the coast (it never did — but that didn’t stop us from sitting there all day, drinking margaritas). We share our dreams for the future — many of which involve things we will do together. We talk about moving back to New York. We talk about renting a cabin in the woods. Oh, and didn’t you know? We’re writing the next great American screenplay — it’s a minimum five year commitment (he says).
We stay up talking all night, sometimes sleeping in the same bed, his leg just a little too close to mine (you know, ’cause our full size beds are just a tad too small for both of us). And just when I’m on the edge of sleep, I feel him holding me, wrapping his body around mine, as though he wants me to think I’m dreaming it, that it’s not actually happening. Maybe, it isn’t…
He proclaims that love is a death sentence; that he doesn’t want to be hurt by it again. That if we don’t have sex, we can be friends. He says friendship is forever, while relationships are doomed and destructive.
Little does he realize that we’re already in one.
So what do you do when you have a semi-platonic boyfriend? Do you break up with him? Do you stay in it, knowing it will probably never go anywhere? Do you tell him the truth, only to have him retreat out of obligation and dedication to a mantra he’s prescribed? Do you pull away, hoping he’ll fall in love?
Yesterday, he texted me three times and I responded briefly; a curt, short one liner. When he called me, I silenced his ring.
I don’t know what to do so I’m doing nothing.
A part of me says stay in it — he’s a comfort, he’s kind, he’s fun, I’m enjoying myself with him and therefore, why should I stop? The guy brings me candy, moves my car at 7AM so it won’t get towed, holds the door and sings my praises. I feel too young for marriage and so this relationship is perfect because it demands no real, emotional commitment.
The other part of me says RUN. Run away from a man who doesn’t know what he wants, a man who takes you for granted, a man who is selfish because he only gives what he wants to give. He will break your heart. You don’t need him. Or maybe you do?
Mostly I’m just angry at the bitch before me who broke his heart. I’m depressed by the fact that for the first time, in a long time, I’m in a relationship where we don’t play games, where our connection is sober and fun and real. I found a great boyfriend who can’t and won’t be my boyfriend. And that just sucks.
Maybe Granuaile and Doggy Style are onto something — that love is fleeting, that we convince ourselves that it is something more than it is. Maybe we should be seeking something deeper…or shallower, as the case may be. What do you all think?
This is a question that has plagued me for years. I’ve been “deeply” in love, but with the wrong kind of guy. Now I’m “comfortably” in love with a great guy and we are both fine with not upping the ante into marriage or anything more concrete. After three broken hearts, I’m fine with not going any further. But as a wise woman (truthfully a spiritual adviser) told me after the third breakup: don’t take that step off the cliff until the other person is willing to take the plunge with you.
And then you have to wonder: what kind of sane people jump off a cliff to begin with.
I wish I had more time to respond, but I’m at work and don’t. 🙂
27swf, I don’t think your question is fair. Asking what kind of sane people would jump off a cliff (This cliff being a metaphor for love) means you are assuming that the cliff, or love, is sane. And it is not. Not one bit. It’s the best, most awfully fulfilling feeling, and we crave it like addicts. That’s not sane.
However, I do understand where you are coming from on this. Relationships that involve the physical and sexual sides are the most complicated relationships you’ll find. Things change, unspoken and unseen, without your knowledge that anything is changing until it’s much too late.
gah, gotta go, but I’ll leave with this. I would not recommend doing nothing. It’s always better to talk it out. More painful in the moment, maybe. More painful over time? Nah.
Keep writing. I really enjoy this whole blog.
I hope that Gingela is more right than I am. That it’s not about trying to define what love is or how in love you are, it’s about finding someone who is actually on the same page as you and ready to jump or not jump or just have a slice of pie and enjoy the day. I’m still not sure though. Maybe it’s not that easy. Or maybe it’s even easier.