I don’t want to break your heart

What does it mean when someone says, “I don’t want to break your heart”?

Ugh. This is what’s bothering me. I’m not sure how I should take this. I’m not sure what I will do with it. But I know I do need to clarify, but having patience is a virtue right now. My naturally inclined impatient self wants to call Mr. M right now and tell him that our conversation tonight really confused me and made me feel weird.

I brought it all up; I wanted to talk about the fact that although we are not in a relationship I just want to solely date him, or be with him. Monogamy is what I sought to clarify–just to put it out there that I’m not looking for anyone else and not talking to anyone else. His response to this was basically that he felt the same way, but because he is possibly moving (who knows where or when) he can’t be fully committed to me. He also said he doesn’t want to lead me on. It probably didn’t help that I brought this up in a phone conversation, but I’ve been so sick lately and tonight I didn’t want to go out but it was weighing on my mind. I guess I didn’t realize that he wanted to have a conversation about our future, which really was about our lack of one.

And the funny thing is, I can’t be fully committed to him either. I still need time to ease into this. Process things. But why do I feel like I’ve just been broken up with? Why do I feel like I was just rejected? I didn’t know if I would be in a relationship with him in the future or not, but that’s where it felt like this was going…and really the hope was all I needed to feel secure. I want to go back to the Land of La-La.

Now it feels hopeless. I am not the girl that you just have fun with. I am not the girl who you can fuck and leave. I am not the girl who just goes along with it. I am just not. So what does that make me in this?

If there is no hope for anything, why try?

Tomorrow I plan on bringing it up again and telling him the things he said felt really weird to me, and not like the Mr. M that I’ve seen over the past couple of months…the Mr. M that treats me like a “girlfriend”…but (apparently) wants to have nothing to do with one.

And honestly, I can’t be dicked around. If he’s pulling away from me, and not that into me anymore…I have to know. It would suck, but I have to know.

And here are some tips for your next relationship, or possibly your current one. Just a thought, but maybe these are some things you may not want to say to someone if you truly care about them:

“I don’t know how to gently say that I like you and I enjoy our time together but I can’t fully be committed to you.”

“I don’t want to lead you on.”

“I don’t want to break your heart.”

And this goes without saying, but this is just my side of the story. That’s why I’m sitting around writing about it, thinking about it. I want to tell him all of this tomorrow, and see if I totally missed the boat on everything he was saying. Also, as another side note and a bit more context to this post, the past couple of weeks have been wild. I have been super sick. I ran a marathon in the rain, hail and 40 degree weather, and I’m overall just feeling burnt out. And as my friend brought up, my natural endorphin release has been majorly curbed since I have stopped running. I think all of this is contributing to my sense of confusion about the Mr. M situation. Time to sit around and think has never really been very productive for me.

Yours asking a lot whys tonight,

25swf