(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
I was fine. I had accepted the drought and my participation in keeping that terrain drought-like. I had come to terms with my chronic single status. She and I had broke bread over cocktails and parted as friends. I WAS fine!!!!
Now, I’m not so fine. One day. That’s all it took. Boy, timing is an impeccable bitch! First, the last guy I dated is in a relationship. She’s younger. She’s pretty. Seems smart. Good for her. Good for him. BUT, what the fuck, man!!! Not even two months ago, he was writing me wanting to be friends, stating, “I haven’t really dated anyone in several months. I’ve kind of decided that maybe that isn’t what I need right now. What I do feel like I need right now is more friends.” Now, he’s in a relationship. SLAP in the face!!!
Then a few hours later I find out the biggest heart break of my young life is engaged. Again. He was married, then divorced, and now he’s engaged again. His ex-wife and I share a birthday. How do I know that? Well, through our correspondences he said something to the effect of how it didn’t feel right to wish me a happy birthday on his wife’s birthday. So, upon learning of their divorce, I’ve since concluded that it was not only NOT meant to be for us, but even if it were meant to be it wouldn’t have worked out. Here he is all set to marry wife #2. Our thing was FOREVER ago. I’m over it, but it still stings in a, “spit on your palm and then slap me in the face” kind of way.
This is the thing that really gets me and hurts the most…
They didn’t choose me. Seems that when I’m totally ready to choose someone, they aren’t looking to choose me. It has been a long, damn time since I’ve voiced this age old question, “What’s wrong with me?” I know, I’m an avid supporter of my chronically single affliction. For some, that’s hard to move past. I don’t know, I think it’s endearing and boils down to self preservation AND to keeping my eye on the big career prize.
I am thinking that there is something seriously wrong with me. I know I’m broken and that I have a back-pack of carry-on baggage, but I am not broken beyond repair. For the first time, in a long time – I cried. Being chronically single isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s hard work to move pass the realization that you’re alone, that you’re single, and be okay with that. Some days are easier than others. Today, for me has been, “Spit on my neck, kick me in the crotch fantastic.” So much for self preservation. You’re bound to get hurt either way it goes…
Firstly, you don’t want them (the one’s who blew you off) anyways…trust me. Secondly, your patience will pay off. I know it will because I know you and you rock, so you are going to have to wait it out for your equally badass counterpart.
Whenever I feel like shit because I’m really just idolizing something someone else has…career, cute clothes, cool factor, whatever it may be, the best way I know how to snap out of it is to remind myself that things are not always as they appear to be. Actually, most of the time that’s the case. So, my dear Whipperwill, keep up with the career, keep your heart open, and keep reminding yourself that if it seems perfect- it’s most definitely not.
A wise woman told me: it isn’t really a relationship unless they are ready to step off that cliff with you. And yes, it isn’t you; it’s them. And you don’t want that in your life. There’s nothing wrong with waiting for the right one and then being blessed with someone who really GETS you; who supports you in all you do and is a cheerleader for you. I think we tend to be the cheerleaders instead of the quarterback; it’s time for that to change. Once you own being the leader of your life, the rest will fall into place.