A memory came back to me the other day and it was something I never thought I would tell anyone (let alone blog about). But the other day I had the deep urge to write about it.
The day before I broke up with MF back in September 2010 was memorable for more than the obvious reasons.
I was on my period, but in his usual fashion he woke me up in the middle of the night to fool around.
But this time was different. I was curious what was going to happen since I was unsexable.
He stuck in a place he had never before. No lube. No nothing. Just him and me half-asleep whimpering, “Ow.” I didn’t physically stop him. I wanted to see what he’d do after hearing my groan.
He went further. I yelled louder. “Ow, that hurts.”
He stopped and said, “Ok.”
I got up and went to the bathroom.
There was blood, but it wasn’t my period. I told him I was bleeding and he said, “Oh really? Sorry,” and went to sleep.
When I broke up with MF on that next day I stayed the night in Norman with an awesome friend (I was living in OKC with MF). I only had the same clothes to wear for the next day. I had sold my car that day so I walked to the bank and then work, about a 5-milish trek. It was hot, I was sweaty, and I did not dress like I was going to be car-less.
Every step was a very real reminder that I had been fucked in the ass. Both literally and figuratively. My ass hurt for weeks after that. I don’t know if it will ever be the same. It was traumatized. I was traumatized. But I didn’t have the time (or really ability) to process it all. It’s actually a really funny image to me now.
I knew it was wrong. I knew he was wrong. Not to even ask if I was OK. Or even really feel sorry. It did make it easier to stay away from him for over a month.
In mid-October he came around when I was beginning to feel strong. But I caved. We slept together. And then, you can probably guess what happened. After two weeks of hanging out he was sleeping over and wanted to have sex. I didn’t feel good. He told me how he was in pain if he didn’t have sex with me. “I feel nauseous,” I repeated. “OK, well I’m just letting you know.” I started touching him. I went to stick my hand down his pants. He stopped me. “What are you doing?” he was mad. “I’m going to help you feel better…” I was confused. “By jerking me off? WOW. That’s disgusting. Do you know how that makes me feel?” he was really mad. “You said you don’t feel good. I don’t want to have sex with you because I don’t feel well. I can be with you this way…I’m happy to be with you this way…what is wrong with that?” We fought and then I asked him why it never crossed his mind to ask why I didn’t feel good or if there was anything he could get for me. He had no answer.
I asked him to leave after that. He sat there and said to my wall, “Think about what you just said and if you really mean it.”
“Leave,” I said. He left.
So I guess it’s the case that you can get fucked in the ass and still fuck yourself over. Sometimes it takes a few times to get it through your head. I wish it only took one.
This last interaction was at the beginning of November. By Christmas he found a new girlfriend and took her to New York for New Years. Which was strange, because when we were “testing the waters” I told him I wanted us to go to NY for New Years again to work it out. I feel so sorry for her. And I hope that one day she will message me and ask to meet with me. So I can tell her she’s not alone. You’re not alone.
I’m glad I can write about it now though. And share it with the internet world. I was ashamed before. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I kind of feel like there’s probably more people out there who have had similar experiences. I imagine the stories of fucking a Mind Fuck are probably plenty and close between. And I also feel like you should as(s)k ass virgins first before going all backwards on them, but then again, I’m assuming all kinds of things here, aren’t I?
Yours purging an ass memory,
25swf
*This is the first post in a series of three memories from my relationship with MF I seek to purge.
25 Single White Female 
Well well well… let’s break this down.
“A memory came back to me the other day and it was something I never thought I would tell anyone (let alone blog about). But the other day I had the deep urge to write about it.”
You had a deep urge to share the time you had a penis in your asshole? First, that’s not really a unique life experience, many people have buttsex. Secondly, does the act of sharing this tale empower you? I fear I miss the point of how this works out.
“I didn’t physically stop him. I wanted to see what he’d do after hearing my groan.”
I don’t think many men would take a simple groan during late night sex as a sign to stop. In fact, your whole passive aggressive attitude seemed to encourage it. You also get upset that he says he’s sorry and then goes to sleep? Come on, be realistic. It was late-night sex. What was he supposed to do that late, bandage your asshole? Moving on.
“Every step was a very real reminder that I had been fucked in the ass. Both literally and figuratively”
I don’t know if his indifference towards you would be considered “fucked in the ass.” Really sounds like you’re blowing a small thing out of proportion. Is this really the crux of your relationship with him? Anal sex?
“In mid-October he came around when I was beginning to feel strong. But I caved. We slept together. And then, you can probably guess what happened. ”
OK, so the guy sexes your ass, blood everywhere, big ole fight, you’re fucked in the ass both literally and figuratively… and you invite him back in and fuck him? I’m sorry, are you looking for empathy from the readers? You’re trying to turn us against him and you’re allowing it to happen? Know that old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”? That applies here.
“I feel so sorry for her. And I hope that one day she will message me and ask to meet with me. So I can tell her she’s not alone. You’re not alone.”
Because she’s with him she must be in a bad place as well? God DAMN you’re pretentious. Who’s to say that they aren’t happy, having a great time in NY and loads and loads of buttsex, which she might like?
“I’m glad I can write about it now though. And share it with the internet world.”
Congratulations. You have told the general public about your brief foray in to unlubricated buttsex. You’re such an inspiration.
You are my first negative comment and I am so excited about you! I’m glad you took the time to give me a post break down and it sounds like you have me all figured out. I’m flattered. Ass talk really does get people excited.
25swf – no matter who reads this and no matter how they feel about it, you shared a story that was meaningful to you and empowered yourself in doing so. Thank you.
I applaud your courage to share this story, 25swf. You have kept this blog full of class and grace and I’m proud of you for keeping the positive energy flowing as you inspire others to share their stories as well.
@swf25
I think it’s your general lack of any real life experience that turns me off here. From one woman to another: If getting fucked in the ass for, like, two seconds is this traumatizing for you, you’ve got a lot of purging and Xanax to look forward to.
@Machiavelli
Let me break this down for YOU, son.
“Secondly, does the act of sharing this tale empower you? I fear I miss the point of how this works out.”
Blogging is not about empowerment. It’s about narcissism, neuroticism* and perpetuating passive-aggressiveness by writing blog posts with the names changed even though you secretly pray to Charlie Sheen every night that the person it’s about will read it, have some sort of self-realization experience and come crawling to you, begging for forgiveness.
@swf25
“You are my first negative comment and I am so excited about you! I’m glad you took the time to give me a post break down and it sounds like you have me all figured out. I’m flattered. Ass talk really does get people excited.”
His comment hurt you. Admit it. All you’re doing here is proving him right about how passive-aggressive you are (not that he needed to prove that, your writing clubs me over the head with it like a caveman wanting anal). Call him a douche bag and move on.
@1foot and @granuaile
“25swf – no matter who reads this and no matter how they feel about it, you shared a story that was meaningful to you and empowered yourself in doing so. Thank you.”
“I applaud your courage to share this story, 25swf. You have kept this blog full of class and grace and I’m proud of you for keeping the positive energy flowing as you inspire others to share their stories as well.”
Your attempts at a “You go, girl” do nothing but encourage her neroticism* and feed her inner attention whore (it already needs gastric bypass). Get out of her Charlie Sheen prayer circle and go back to listening to your Sarah McLachlan CDs.
@swf25 If you reply to this comment with how excited you are about how I think you, @1foot and @granuaile are the reason we are considered the weaker sex, I’ll personally hunt you down and pull you inside out by your flabby asshole.
* It’s a word because I say it is.
Chimaera, I write about what I, as one person, know about. That’s pretty much it. I have confidence in how I feel. I know what I’ve been through and I’m sharing it. This blog is not about narcissism. It is about writing my story and hearing others. It’s about people sharing and communicating. Your negativity is not welcome here (although I’ll keep approving your comments because I think other people should have the chance to respond). Your comments, which apparently “hurt” me, really do not affect how I feel about this blog or what I’ve been through. It’s funny to me that you think they would. Chill the fuck out.