(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
I’ve had the worst time trying to decide what I wanted to write about for this post. There are so many words to be said, so many topics to discuss, so many events to recall, so many questions to ask and answers to answer. But, out of all the options I have, the hardest part is knowing that he is going to read it. And then bring it up in conversation, face to face. He always does.
Yes, him, not our faithful savior, but him– my lover. My delicious dance partner, who I have been doing the tango with for nearly 7 months now. 7 months! Jesus H. Christ! (Harold is his middle name, you know.) What is going on here?
And that’s what it’s about. Whatever I say now, there it is. For the world. And for him. So that becomes a little difficult… I begin to feel that I should choose my words carefully. Here is my opportunity to lay it on the table, to reach out and receive the perspectives of my peers; the opinions of others; the attention of my object of affection.
Ok, what do you want to talk about then? What is it that you need to say that should be expressed in a not-quite-anonymous to some blog post, rather than real, physical, tangible conversation?
This has been SOME dance. And I thought Monopoly was an excruciatingly long game…. We’ve gone back and forth; loved each other well and been righteous dicks at other times. There have been others along the way, seemingly important break-off points through outside sex and possible love-connections. But somehow, SOME HOW, it always comes back to this… thing.
You know, I’m not stuck on foretelling the future or anything. I’m way cool with rolling with it. I gotta wonder though, why is that? Why are we always coming back to each other?
Admittedly, I was super not ready for a real intimate relationship with anyone for a while, several months ago, following that whole wedding-bomb thing. It’s almost been a year now. Two more weeks marks the anniversary of yet another life-changing event. I’m not going to say I’m over it, because that just isn’t true. And never will be true. It’s not like you can take all of the hurt and sadness and wrongdoings from your past and make them disappear. What you can do is turn them around. Learn from them. Let them help you become everything you need to be.
I forgot how to love once. And then he showed me how, oh do I remember. Remember tying on the night, and moving through the morning light; remember how it was and how he pulled me through.
I give up! I want it. Show me love.
I think it’s time I let you know,
the way I feel when you take hold,
One single touch from you, I’m gone,
still got the rush when I’m alone…
Would you believe he got onto me for NOT writing about him in my last post? That little shit!! Well. Here you go. YOU’RE WELCOME.
With music as my weapon,
50ftManEatingWoman
25 Single White Female 