I have found that the past year has been one of addressing. Not confrontation. But addressing. I have addressed a lot of issues within myself, and with others involving myself. When people been acting like a foo’, I’m not one to be messed with nowadays.
Addressing problems is what adults do. Wait, let’s not get all caught up here. Addressing problems is what adults are supposed to do. I may be young, but so far it’s very rare to find people over the age of 30 who do such a thing.
I have addressed people who didn’t respect me because I was young and had to give them direction (that’s a fun one). I have addressed a person who really hated me for no apparent reason. I have addressed someone I used to refer to as Mind Fuck or MF (you may remember him). I have addressed things in my current relationship that in the past I would have just buried. I have even addressed my mom. All of these people I have said, “Hey can we talk?” to, and then we did…and guess what happened? It was over.
It felt right for me to embark upon my most recent bought of addressing after things kept popping up, and a certain Buddhist class pushed me the rest of the way. The class was all about suffering. We meditated for an hour. Which, I am not use to, but found incredibly rewarding and invigorating. Being surrounded by Buddhas, a Buddhist monk, and a room full of people who are working towards the same thing was worth the 20 minute drive. After the meditation, we started class.
The Buddhist Monk talked about transforming relationships. If someone is ill towards you, you must work very hard to try and transform that relationship. Two people came to mind when she said this. They were burning into my head, and I wanted them out. The burning subsided after a cool, fresh epiphany washed over me. I had to talk to them. Ugh. I really didn’t want to. MF and this other person we will call The Girl were the last people on the Earth that I wanted to talk to.
I talked to Mister M about it. He said that if talking to them would make me feel better, then I should go for it. He’s so supportive. It’s so rare.
Come Monday I called them. Yup, just straight up called them. MF didn’t answer so I left a message…which looking back was probably pretty awkward sounding because I said let’s meet for tea (I’m on this no-caffeine kick, but still that’s a funny thing to say if you’re not British) and I said my full name when I called…yeah, WEIRDO). My next call worked out. The Girl did answer and we deciding on a time to meet that week. We met, and hashed it all out, and I think she no longer hates me. I think she realized I wasn’t out to get her. So that’s one down. Already a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
As for MF, he really effed (it felt better than saying ‘fucked’ because I’m not really that angry about…just annoyed. Effed is for those annoyed occasions. FYI) up my transformation efforts. On my journey to a Zen place he started texting me at 2am on a Saturday night/morning. There was a mixture of, “You’re so awesome…even though we didn’t work out I want you to be happy” and “I’m sorry you hated me. Like level 9 hated me. I just want the best for you.” Oh, and the last piece worth mentioning was how he tried to get me to call him by throwing out, “You should call me. I will tell you a secret, and if you don’t call you will never know.” No, I’m not joking. And no, I did not call him. I told him we should talk when he wasn’t drunk, but he insisted he hadn’t been drinking.
This was not a part of my plan. My plan was to meet up with him, tell him I forgive him and want him to be happy. And then, the end. Like a formal, “I forgive you, but go fuck yourself, thank you.” But I didn’t get that. He ruined it.
I decided, taking into account the advice from Mister M and another friend, that I would not be calling MF to meet up. He had (once again) blown it. Now I need to ask the Buddhist Monk what you do once someone blows up your transformation plans…some would say it’s time to just walk away. I’m thinking that’s good and fine, but what about the next time I get 2am texts? I think I will just hand my phone over to Mister M and he can take care of those…
Yours tranformer style,
Look at this universe. At the expanse, at how minute our lives are compared to the age. At how little we are in the grand scheme of things. You should move on, this life is a fleeting thing. Move on.