(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
I got asked out on a date a while ago. I accepted and we made plans. Then I thought about it some more and cancelled the date.
WHAT??!! But, 1foot, you’re… you know… *stage whisper* SINGLE…
Yep. I am! And I didn’t like the guy who asked and knew I wouldn’t be interested in him no matter how many dinners we had and… the list goes on.
I wanted to write about why I’m happy that I’m single, but it’s hard to write such things without sounding sort of dippy or defensive. But, so it’s out there in the most direct way possible – I’m happy I’m single right now, and I’m not saying that in a dippy or defensive way. I obviously still want someone to love me at some point in that relationshippy way; I’m not denying that that is a happy and fulfilling way to exist sometimes.
I got my own shit, yo. I’m in a job I don’t like, trying to change (update: changed it. More to come?). I’m unsure what I want to do in the next 2-3 years or where I want to go for the next step in my life. And I’m not in a place I want to stay in for a long time. So, at this point, commitment or being on the road to commitment doesn’t really make sense to me (and I’ve never really figured out the whole casual dating scene). 25swf had a post a long time back about the reasons she was happy to be single. They’re all good and interesting reasons. But for me, the main reason I’m happy I’m single right now has to do with me enjoying being with me. It’s not the old, “I want to take this time to really learn to be fulfilled on my own” situation. I am fulfilled on my own – I have been in the past and I am currently. It’s really that I want to make my own decisions, do things without having to ask or talk to someone about them, lounge around my house on some days in sweats and maybe not eat a real dinner tonight, or supplement my breakfast with candy corns (what? They’re delicious.). I love cooking, I enjoy having a clean living space, and going on jogs and reading books until 3 in the morning in my bed with the space heater on and some hot chocolate. It seems sometimes that in this society, because I’m not sailing on the relationship and don’t have a clear path, I’m not really an adult. I say to this – phooey! Being an adult female seems to necessitate being in a relationship for some people, especially in this part of our GREAT NATION.
I guess what I’m learning is, I’m not necessarily one of those people. I live here, I’m an Oklahoman, and I’m glad I’m not married or tied to someone and considering altering my plans to fit theirs. Which, let’s get it out there. I have a tendency to kind of… get caught up in other people. That’s another reason I’m not super keen on getting into another relationship. I don’t want to get caught up again and stop thinking about what I want. Probably with the right person that wouldn’t happen, but I just know myself, and I want to have concrete steps taken in the direction of fulfilling my passion before meeting someone who I would maybe want to throw it all away for.
Sometimes when our friends are super happy in their relationships, they see us single ladies and think… if only! If only they could meet so-and-so or that-mustachioed-fellow or great-personality-guy! They would be so happy, just like me! And out of the goodness of their hearts, and wanting what’s best for us, they kind of tend to… nudge, push, shove (there are varying degrees of these friends) us toward a relationship with someone.
And I would like to say, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you thinking of me. But please, talk to me more. Find out how I’m feeling about relationships and guys in general, or about my life in general. Ask me how the path I’m on is going, and encourage me to find a new path if it’s not working out. Don’t assume that the only thing that will make me happy and more fulfilled is a forced, awkward date with some random guy. Sure, I bet sometimes these situations work out. But in my experience, relationships tend to grow out of chance encounters, mutual group hangouts, and/or deep friendships. Not because a Love Mastermind, or matchmaker, put their fingers in the pot and stirred. (Friends reading this – I don’t have anyone specific in mind for the character of Love Mastermind! Just generalizations! I would (and have) call you out personally if I felt like you were doing this.)
I know I’m just me, and the things that bug me or make me feel awkward are not necessarily the things that would make others feel bugged or awkward. But we single ladies have a lot to answer for sometimes, in the eyes of others. I’ve been accused of being a lesbian (the horror!!) before at family gatherings, because I didn’t have a man at my side. I get asked when I’m going to settle down. What does that even mean? Settling down? Commitment scares the poop out of me, and as my 63-y-o coworker once told me, “IT SHOULD. It’s scary! It’s not easy! Sometimes it’s not worth it! But sometimes it is.” I just haven’t gotten there yet, and part of loving yourself is accepting and being happy in your own shoes.
Oh. I have crushes on some gentlemen right now, just so y’all are aware. Multiple crushes on multiple guys. Who I don’t see, call, or text, ever. One of those people is this guy. Is that insane? Maybe. But for now, love/like from a distance feels best. For now, I don’t know where I’m going. And that’s kind of too much messiness to put on someone else at this point. Heck, it’s kind of too much messiness for me some days! But you know, we’ll all figure it out, or we won’t. I feel like love happens when I’m not looking for it. Well. This is me. Actively NOT looking for it. Is that possible? Who knows. I don’t! But I’m happy with that. I know at some point I’ll get the longing to settle down (probably) and then I’ll be all like OH SNAP WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD DUDES AT!?! At that point, you know what I’ll do? Blog about it.