*Sex is extremely important to me. It’s in the top 5 things that I need to be happy.

When I was little I use to sneak around in the middle of the night, pretending like I couldn’t fall asleep. “Oh the insomnia,” I would whine. Little did my mom know, I was turning to Cinemax and HBO for some soft-core porno action. I utilized the previous channel button on the remote to keep my sexy secret safe. MTV, QVC, or some other three-letter network acted as my quick getaway. If I heard my mom’s door open. BAM. From moans to My So-Called Life. 

I think this all started when I was about 12 or so. I remember the feeling I would get while watching these dirty movies. A tingling sensation would take over. Sometimes I would touch myself, but that felt awkward and boring. Most of the time I would just watch. Enthralled with the feeling between my legs, I was obsessed. Every night I would sneak away, turn the TV down extra low, and hunker down for a night of learning and yearning. Those HBO bells would chime…the static would play…the choir would sing…and I would be whisked away on a journey of a good girl gone bad.

I felt guilty for my porno secret. I remember sitting in my 6th grade math class thinking, “If only they all knew what I did last night…they would be so ashamed.” Up until age 23-ish I was always conflicted with my sexuality and my conscience. Welcome to being a girl. Yayyyyy.

Like all normal people, there came a time when we stopped paying exorbitant amounts for HBO and Skinamax, but my love for porn never stopped. My high school boyfriend got me a porno DVD as a gift once. It was vile and was not the classy HBO/Cinemax stuff I had grown accustomed to. That was really the last time I watched it.

Until last week.

A friend of a friend is letting Mr. M and me borrow their HBO GO subscription. It didn’t even occur to me all of the porno-possibilities. I scrolled through all of the tabs… “movies,” “series,” “documentaries” and then there it was…”LATE NIGHT” The words got bigger as a flood of memories rushed over me. Late Night. Ok, Ok. –click– “Real Sex.” One of my all-time favorites. Strange and sexy…it was a show that taught me things and did the trick. One after one I kept watching them. Before I knew it about five episodes had flown by.

Then I started watching this show called “Cat House” which is about this sex ranch (I think in Texas) that this fat, old white dude owns. I was intrigued so I kept watching. It was really interesting. Each girl sets her own price and limits. I found that to be really interesting.I wonder if some of them low ball themselves? I was kind of into the show…until misogyny reared its fat white dude head.  The man that owns this ranch started talking about one of the girls (who he sleeps with, naturally) and how he loves her because she’s got it all figured out. She wants to please a man. She knows how to please a man. Her whole life is dedicated to make a man happy. That’s a real woman. If more women were like her his place would go out of business.

UGH. I was immediately depressed. The fanciful feeling in my pants melted away with my hope for mankind. That’s not dramatic, either. That is truth.

And now I’m back to square one. Any suggestions? I need some soft core porn that is made by women (or gay men). I guess I’ll just start re-watching Sex and the City.

*Disclaimer: Sex, as in good sex. Sex that makes you want more sex. Sex that makes the days shorter and nights longer.

Yours happy about TV MA,



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