Guest Blogger – 1foot: The Importance of Lone Wolfiness

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

I have been cultivating my lone wolf status for SOME TIME NOW.

wolfy growl!

That’s me, bitches. I howl at the moon, alone, and I even LIKE it. ALONE!! In fact, a few months back, I discovered that I could actually give myself a back massage. That’s right.

sexy time

The ultimate sexy time maneuver, performed sans lusty oily man fingers, by little ole’ single me. You know you want to try it. Because it feels great. And because it’s pretty much one of the single most “single” things you could ever do.

Guess what else rocks about being alone? Going to sleep when I want to go to sleep (even if it’s only 9PM), taking long baths, having epic Bones marathons… and when I’m feeling really rowdy, I even combine the baths and the Bones. It looks a little something like this: Continue reading

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Guest Blogger – 1foot: Okay. I’ll Be Honest.

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

In an attempt to get in touch with how I truly feel about things right now so that I can decide what to do later, I would like to try honesty and NOT over-editing this post.

I miss ___. I do. I didn’t think I would still miss him this far on. It’s been 1 year, 2 months, and 26 days since we officially broke up, and 5 months and 20days since I asked him not to contact me anymore and quit talking to him. I still think that was a good choice, all things considered, and I’m not regretting that or missing our romantic relationship.

What I miss is having a friend, with whom I was completely and utterly honest, who knew more about me than a lot of people, and lived 15 minutes away. I have some friends like that now, but life and distance (distance is a big one) get in the way a lot of times. I’m not really one to bring up my problems unless we’re in close proximity (with each other or with my problems), or if you force me to tell you or ask point blank. I don’t know, maybe I’d rather everyone just understood what was going on in my head and offered to help whenever I needed it, magically guessing when I needed something. It’s hard when I want to reach out to someone and then think, nooooo… they’re probably enjoying their night, or their morning, or are busy with things, or happily going through their day with nary a thought of me in their head. UGH. That sounds so self-pitying. I don’t pity myself. I just don’t think that my problems matter much to other people. WHAAAAT. That’s dumb. I definitely have people to whom I know my problems matter. I know that. I just have a very, very difficult time reaching out, for some reason. I had a period after the relationship ended where I was better about talking about how I felt, about reaching out when I was sad, or when I missed him. Then after a few months I decided I was annoying everyone around me because they’d get (or I’d imagine they’d get) that distant look in their eye when I brought up his name. Continue reading

Guest Blogger – 1foot: Single And Not Looking, or Save Your Pity, Relationshipped Friends!

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

I got asked out on a date a while ago. I accepted and we made plans. Then I thought about it some more and cancelled the date.

WHAT??!! But, 1foot, you’re… you know… *stage whisper* SINGLE…

Yep. I am! And I didn’t like the guy who asked and knew I wouldn’t be interested in him no matter how many dinners we had and… the list goes on.

I wanted to write about why I’m happy that I’m single, but it’s hard to write such things without sounding sort of dippy or defensive. But, so it’s out there in the most direct way possible – I’m happy I’m single right now, and I’m not saying that in a dippy or defensive way. I obviously still want someone to love me at some point in that relationshippy way; I’m not denying that that is a happy and fulfilling way to exist sometimes.

BUT Continue reading

Guest Blogger – 1foot: QUITTER

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

A wise soul told me that “Women all around the world have been giving up things they love since forever in order to protect themselves and their hearts.” What makes me any different?

I’ve been in the process of  starting a nonprofit with ___ and some good friends for about two years. I love it, and I love our mission, and I love the people I was working with, but… I didn’t love the fact that I saw him all the dang time. Or that anytime I got free time, I was spending it working on bylaws, or going to meetings, or planning events, and I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I wanted to. Also, there happen to be a lot of new things cropping up in my life that I would rather devote my attention to.

So I decided to quit.

It was an incredibly difficult decision. I don’t like quitting things, and I tend to stick with something until it makes me really unhappy, or dies away. I decided to preempt some of that.

I met with our Chair and spoke to him in person about my decision and my reasoning, and he agreed, and it went really smoothly. When I got home, I emailed the group (including ___) a concise explanation of my decision and how much I would miss the group.

Cue relief, and a movie for relaxation.

Only… 1.5 hours later…

I get a phone call. Guess who.

“I just got your email. I just wanted to say… I mean I understand your reasons, and I’m happy for you, I guess I just wanted to call because, well, this group is kind of the only thing that’s been keeping us in contact, and it feels like without it, we won’t be seeing each other for a while, and I just didn’t think we should leave it at an email between us. I’m not really sure why I’m calling. I guess I just hope that the reasons you listed in your email are true. I mean, I know they’re true, but I just feel like I’m part of your reasons for quitting, and I’ve been thinking of quitting too, but I just want to make sure that you’re actually going on to better things, and that I just, I hope I didn’t make things too hard on you. And I want to know what you’re doing, I want to know what your new plans are. I just hope that you’re doing okay. You know you don’t give me enough credit for how much I care about you. ”

It went on like that for about 5 minutes before he paused to let me respond. It ended up being about a 30 minute conversation. For brevity’s sake, I’ll just say that in the end, I was able to get a few things off my chest that I had been wanting to for a long time. And I was able to end the conversation by telling him that I didn’t want to see him, or have him contact me, or work with him. Not for forever, just until I can get into a frame of mind that doesn’t involve me thinking about him every day.

It felt like a post-breakup breakup, and it felt like I had finally taken the power in my life and made a concrete decision that has helped me get into a better frame of mind. I finally took a positive step in the direction of my own goals and dreams, and it feels really, really good.

And in the end, quitting wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. It was hard, but I don’t feel like people are judging me for stepping down. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can really focus on learning new things and not being held back by others’ perceptions.

byebye,

1foot

Guest Blogger – 1foot: Go Fuck Yourself/I Forgive You

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

How long am I supposed to hold onto this anger? I’m mad at ___, and I know that’s healthy, but… yesterday I had a realization. I may be angry at him, and rightfully so, but he’s more than likely just living his life, without me even on his radar. Well, except for the sporadic, passive-aggressive text messages he’ll send right when I’m not thinking about him.

How long will I let the anger be a crutch? It has really helped me lately, because my feelings toward him have lessened dramatically in the past few months. But, being angry at him also just means that I’m still thinking about him. Be it positive or negative, he’s still on my mind.

Time, time, they say. Time. I know. And it’s true, time will (and already has) made things better. But in the interim, it’s idiotic to not try and find a way to cope.

Last night, on my way home from work, I saw a falling star and wished for the first thing that came to my mind – peace and forgiveness. It’s the first time I’ve made a wish, a true wish, that didn’t involve ___ changing dramatically and wanting to get back together.

I realize now that there’s a choice to make –  thus the title of this post.

I could tell him either of those things, at this point. Or neither.

Mostly I just want to move on. To be done with him. To be done with thinking about him.

It’s pretty clear to me what I need to do. The how eludes me.

byebye,

1foot