Guest Blogger – 50ftManEatingWoman: Show Me How You Do It

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

I’ve had the worst time trying to decide what I wanted to write about for this post. There are so many words to be said, so many topics to discuss, so many events to recall, so many questions to ask and answers to answer. But, out of all the options I have, the hardest part is knowing that he is going to read it. And then bring it up in conversation, face to face. He always does.

Yes, him, not our faithful savior, but him– my lover. My delicious dance partner, who I have been doing the tango with for nearly 7 months now. 7 months! Jesus H. Christ! (Harold is his middle name, you know.) What is going on here?

And that’s what it’s about. Whatever I say now, there it is. For the world. And for him. So that becomes a little difficult… I begin to feel that I should choose my words carefully. Here is my opportunity to lay it on the table, to reach out and receive the perspectives of my peers; the opinions of others; the attention of my object of affection.

Ok, what do you want to talk about then? What is it that you need to say that should be expressed in a not-quite-anonymous to some blog post, rather than real, physical, tangible conversation?

This has been SOME dance. And I thought Monopoly was an excruciatingly long game…. We’ve gone back and forth; loved each other well and been righteous dicks at other times. There have been others along the way, seemingly important break-off points through outside sex and possible love-connections. But somehow, SOME HOW, it always comes back to this… thing.

You know, I’m not stuck on foretelling the future or anything. I’m way cool with rolling with it. I gotta wonder though, why is that? Why are we always coming back to each other?

Admittedly, I was super not ready for a real intimate relationship with anyone for a while, several months ago, following that whole wedding-bomb thing. It’s almost been a year now. Two more weeks marks the anniversary of yet another life-changing event. I’m not going to say I’m over it, because that just isn’t true. And never will be true. It’s not like you can take all of the hurt and sadness and wrongdoings from your past and make them disappear. What you can do is turn them around. Learn from them. Let them help you become everything you need to be.

I forgot how to love once. And then he showed me how, oh do I remember. Remember tying on the night, and moving through the morning light; remember how it was and how he pulled me through.

I give up! I want it. Show me love.

I think it’s time I let you know,
the way I feel when you take hold,
One single touch from you, I’m gone,
still got the rush when I’m alone…

Would you believe he got onto me for NOT writing about him in my last post? That little shit!! Well. Here you go. YOU’RE WELCOME.

With music as my weapon,

50ftManEatingWoman

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Guest Blogger – 50ftManEatingWoman: Cheers!

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

Despite any current circumstances, any potential issues, any life-changing events, or anything ever at all ever going on ever ever, one thing is consistently true- it’s good to have a little help from your friends.

Over fourth of July weekend, I had the wonderful opportunity to get away for a couple days and visit with some dear friends down the road a ways. Seeing these lovely ladies and catching up is always great. They are the type of girlfriends you can talk about anything with, who are always able to pick up right where you left off, whether it be hours, days, or months apart.

We talked over dinner, drinks, lunch, and cats about everything from politics to parties, work and SEX. And all of a sudden, mid-conversation on my second day out, I had an epiphany. No matter what the subject was, no matter if it was from my mouth or hers, the outcome was always the same. We related and agreed on EVERYTHING.

Not once did I ever feel misunderstood; never did I have to explain myself; in no way did I ever question her words. Even more amazing than all that, was the fact that I had this experience with more than one person! In the same weekend! (!!!!!!)

This special connection brought a lot to my attention. While I learned more and more about their lives and shared in good news and bad news alike, I learned an incredible amount about my own life. I shared the same stories, same concerns, and same feelings with each and was given the same connection and emotion in return. Though different words were said and different experiences shared, the sentiment was the still same.

They were there. We have all been there.

I imagine the number of times I thought “I know!” and “Me too!” was completely off the charts. Hearing the ways in which they were able to relate to my experiences and finding myself able to relate completely to those shared with me brought a lot of AHA! moments to light within my own self; understanding situations, reigning in emotions, and bringing the pieces of the puzzle closer together.

All of the answers to life’s problems are right there waiting to be found, but somehow they are so much harder to see until someone shows them to you. All of life’s answers lie within each other’s hearts… and what a swell place that is to keep them.

Confused? Need help? Trouble sorting things out? Looking for a second opinion? Longing to be told you’re not actually insane?

Piece of cake- just go where everybody knows your name.

On the highway to enlightenment,

50ftManEatingWoman

Guest Blogger – 50ftManEatingWoman: Out of Bounds

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

I’ve heard a lot of talk about “open relationships” lately. And it’s got me thinking about my own possibilities.

In the past, my first response was something like, “EWWW WHAT A BUNCH OF SLUTS!!” but I have since changed my stance on the issue. From my own personal experience I have come to find that “open relationship” is not necessarily synonymous with “dirty swingers” (not that there’s anything wrong with that… if it’s your cup of tea).

Most people will come to a point in their lives, sooner or later, where they are unsure about relationships, lovers versus friends, or perhaps even their own place in the world. This may be attributed to some past failures in the romance department or it could just be a phase of life- what’s next? Where do we go from here?

Personal hang-ups aside, it’s quite difficult to think rationally about where one’s relationship desires lie when everyone around you seems to be committed, engaged, married, or divorced. Is there no one left untainted!?

I don’t want to be any of those things right now. Single has been an awakening sort of experience in the last 6 months since D-Day, and although I am not ready to fully commit to anyone, I have taken a liking to one lucky fellow…which sort of leaves me not wanting “single” either.

SO WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT THEN?

I’ve stated my case time and again that I am no one’s girl; I can’t commit and I need more time for myself. Partially because I still love my ex (not in love with, mind you), and he still has the ability to break me down on occasion.

I have accepted what went down. I have forgiven him for any misdeeds and I have forgiven myself as well. Despite all the acceptance and understanding, there are times that I simply do not need to see/cannot handle any “I love you, I want you back” texts late at night.

That time came recently, and as usual, at the most inopportune time.

I normally try to cut and run as soon as possible to avoid any serious personal discussions about exes, love, wants, and fears alike- to avoid any serious personal connection that I have to deal with later. But this time I was caught with my pants down, and tears in my eyes (literally). I was cornered and I had no way out of this caring, concerned embrace but to spill my guts.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. Here I was spouting a whole lot of shit I didn’t really want to say, but once it came up my throat and into my mouth I couldn’t swallow it back down. I apologized for being a mess.

“This is exactly why I have to leave.”

I didn’t explain myself fully. I didn’t go into the whole excruciating story beginning once upon a time in April of 2007. Although I said as little as I could manage, I have broken the seal.

I don’t want to get too involved. I don’t want to get too attached. I don’t want to be smothered. I don’t want to be clingy or clung to. On the other hand, I don’t want to invest myself too many places. I don’t want to go through the same motions with other people who may turn out to mean a little less in my eyes, or be a little less forgiving (or be a little less apt at touching me in all the right ways, physically and metaphorically).

Somehow, I feel safe here. I want a lover and a friend but I realize haven’t exactly treated my friend as such. Attempting to hide my past and emotions is not something I would do with a friend; especially not one whom I see so frequently.

I want to talk about my history and my stance on love and life, and obtain some understanding, and maybe even share similar stories; feel connected, become good friends. The problem is that I worry things may become overly complicated if I allow him in.

darren
Take a number, Darren.

As a good friend recommended, if we can discuss the present and the future, agree on terms and expectations, lay down boundaries and uphold them, communicate fully, and generally act like adults about our open-ended romantic situation then all may benefit. Not to mention how helpful it could be to hear a male’s perspective for a change.

Genius!

I think I will take my chances on being open, as long as this game is played fair.

Open and ready to score,

50ftManEatingWoman

Guest Blogger – 50ftManEatingWoman: The “L” Word

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

There seems to be a very fine- perhaps even dotted- line between love and loneliness. A line so faint that it is nearly impossible to tell whether my feelings for another are of a genuine interest or a longing for human connection of a physical and emotional level that cannot be met solely by friends and family.

I don’t think that anyone necessarily wants to be alone, even if there is no desire for a serious relationship or otherwise. There is still a basic human need for touch, an embrace. A need to be cared for, a need to be needed; wanted. A need for compassion and understanding on some deep personal level (see: feral children).

So then, if it is crucial to life, to social structure of the human psyche, to have a connection to other people… there must be some level of need for “relationships.” I put this in quotes because I am not entirely sure what that means- to me or anyone else.

Yes, we are animals, and there is a certain amount of raw behaviors associated with that. Mating rituals and all. If you have ever been to the dance club at last call on a Saturday you have seen the wild in their natural habitat. But these things do not always apply to all. Pigs can get a sunburn, dolphins can have orgasms (and are terrible sluts btw), and elephants mate for life.

Elephants. Dolphins. Where do we lie as animals? Somewhere in the middle. Somewhere between the bump and grind and a lazy Sunday afternoon.

(cue: text message)

Hungry in the Big City,

50ftManEatingWoman

Guest Blogger – 50ftManEatingWoman: Ask and You Shall Receive

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

I know I’m not ready to date.

And that’s okay.

I’m really not interested in dating… as far as relationships go. But I am interested in men and women who interest me (?), and I am interested in going out. And I am interested in “the chase” and “the game” (because let me tell you, I got some game). And I am interested in SEX… and I also think that SEX should always be written as such.

Herein lies the problem, because it would seem that you cannot just do all of the above without personal lives, and emotions, and possible deep feelings, or some other junk like that getting in the way (See: No Strings Attached… stop making blockbusters out of my life, Natalie Portman!!). Granted, two weeks ago I decided it was high time I got some no-strings-attached attention and began seeking a legitimate partner for weekend activities.

I thought I had control of the situation until I realized that there is absolutely no way around the dating process, even if you’re not dating… that is, if you wish to remain free of creepy randos. Not that dating anyone ever meant they were not a creepy rando… but I digress.

Now, I’m not looking to get married next week, or hell- even next year, but I still find myself making the same decisions and having the same expectations that I would if I were looking for a serious love interest. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing- to expect someone I want to see naked on a regular basis to be open and honest and dependable and trustworthy… and hot… and all the other things I would want in a person that I was genuinely interested in.

Maybe this is the point where you are asking yourself, “Where is she going with all of this??” And well, I will tell you.

DON’T EVER THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH RELATIONSHIPS!

Because you don’t. Yes, that is sooo crabby sounding, I know, but that is really first and foremost the one thing I personally have learned through all my years of boyfriends, girlfriends, manfriends, dates, lovers, one night stands, engagements (!), and breakups.

The best thing that can be done is to know yourself and know what you want, expect, and deserve from other people. No matter who the person is or what the relationship is about, that list of desirables is applicable to everyone in every situation. Whether they are potential life-partners, or potential night-partners, YOU still deserve the best and only the best.

And girl, “You can have whatever you like….”

Hungry in the Big City,

50ftManEatingWoman