Guest Blogger – Whipperwill: The Power of Touch!

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

I am so far removed from relationships right now, that it’s not even funny, it’s hilarious.  Everything in my life right now is one big-ass question mark.  I have like, zero time to dwell on the fact that I am single, and I’m okay with that.  Things have been rather stressful.  Some of it is good, healthy stress.  The other half, is kind of not as good and healthy.  I was and have been feeling very tense.  So, when I came across a groupon deal to get an hour massage for $30 bucks, I jumped on it!

It has been two years since my last massage.  It has been… hmm… man, how long has it been?!?!  Well, it’s been quite a while since I’ve had some good old fashion, hot-n-heavy action going on as well.  So, it’s no wonder why the massage I got last Friday rocked my world.  It was the best massage EVER!!!  I mean really, it was!  I’ve had my fair share of massages and well, let’s just say that this massage chick worked my muscles like no other massage chick or dude has ever worked my muscles before.  As I lay on that table, screaming and moaning in my head, I wondered if this massage felt so damn good because it has just been too damn long!  That may be the case.  Talking to a friend of mine who had recently gotten a massage, I asked her if there was a such thing as a bad massage.  She said something rather interesting, “it can’t be too bad when you have someone rubbing on ya!”  So, yeah, I’m feigning for another massage, which I just may indulge myself next month, and get another.  I don’t care if I can’t really afford it!  Or maybe, I should just put myself back in the game and bask in the power of touch…

Right now, they both sound good to me.  Okay, time to get back to work!

Preoccupied,

^^whipperwill^^

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Guest Blogger – Whipperwill: Who Turned Off The Lights…

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

I was fine.  I had accepted the drought and my participation in keeping that terrain drought-like.  I had come to terms with my chronic single status.  She and I had broke bread over cocktails and parted as friends.  I WAS fine!!!!

Now, I’m not so fine.  One day.  That’s all it took.  Boy, timing is an impeccable bitch!  First, the last guy I dated is in a relationship. She’s younger.  She’s pretty.  Seems smart.  Good for her.  Good for him.  BUT, what the fuck, man!!!  Not even two months ago, he was writing me wanting to be friends, stating, “I haven’t really dated anyone in several months. I’ve kind of decided that maybe that isn’t what I need right now. What I do feel like I need right now is more friends.”  Now, he’s in a relationship.  SLAP in the face!!!

Then a few hours later I find out the biggest heart break of my young life is engaged.  Again.  He was married, then divorced, and now he’s engaged again.  His ex-wife and I share a birthday.  How do I know that?  Well, through our correspondences he said something to the effect of how it didn’t feel right to wish me a happy birthday on his wife’s birthday.  So, upon learning of their divorce, I’ve since concluded that it was not only NOT meant to be for us, but even if it were meant to be it wouldn’t have worked out. Here he is all set to marry wife #2.  Our thing was FOREVER ago.  I’m over it, but it still stings in a, “spit on your palm and then slap me in the face” kind of way.

This is the thing that really gets me and hurts the most…

They didn’t choose me.  Seems that when I’m totally ready to choose someone, they aren’t looking to choose me.  It has been a long, damn time since I’ve voiced this age old question, “What’s wrong with me?”  I know, I’m an avid supporter of my chronically single affliction.  For some, that’s hard to move past.  I don’t know, I think it’s endearing and boils down to self preservation AND to keeping my eye on the big career prize.

I am thinking that there is something seriously wrong with me.  I know I’m broken and that I have a back-pack of carry-on baggage, but I am not broken beyond repair.  For the first time, in a long time – I cried.  Being chronically single isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s hard work to move pass the realization that you’re alone, that you’re single, and be okay with that.  Some days are easier than others.  Today, for me has been, “Spit on my neck, kick me in the crotch fantastic.”  So much for self preservation.  You’re bound to get hurt either way it goes…

^^Whipperwill^^

Guest Blogger – Whipperwill: Male to Female…?

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

Oh, these are interesting times. It is all, oh so relative! So, first, I’ve been doing some research for a new script I’m writing. During my research I found a youtube diary of sorts, which follows this young person who is in transition. Female to male. I cannot tell a lie. As a man, dude is freaking, super cute!!! I mean, if I didn’t know and had he walked into a bookstore where I was hanging out, I’d be like, “how you doin’?” Seriously, too cute. I was telling a friend of mine about this little revelation. He then asked a very good question, “would that be a deal breaker?” Uh… hmmm… yeah, I’d wager it would be. I cannot tell a lie. I was a bit confused.

Now, today (which is actually yesterday, but by the time this posts who knows how far removed from yesterday we will be – it’s immaterial really, but relative all the same – I digress…) on the FB an old college “Chum” of mine strikes up a chat. Now, I’ve not heard from or seen Chum in like 5 to 6 years. Why haven’t I seen or heard from him you may be wondering? Well, it could have something to do with how he kept coming on to me the last time I saw him. I really just was not interested and told him so. Adult me, straightforward and to the point! We were working on editing a project. It was my first big contract project with Will Rogers Airport. I was all about NOT fucking that up and wasn’t in the mood to dick around. Unfortunately, “NO” didn’t register as a word in Chum’s brain or something, because he couldn’t seem to keep his hands to himself. So, our last editing session ended with me leaving prematurely amid a few choice words – I’ll spare you. Chum texted me immediately after I left. Apologized. Said he cared for me deeply. It’s been building… what?!?! I was totally unaware of this and did not appreciate the unwanted hands on my person. So, that was the end of Chum’s existence in my physical world. BUT I guess it seemed okay to be FB buddies especially now that he lives in an entirely different state, right?

Okay, so back on the FB he apologizes once again for his behavior via chat. There has been so much time that has passed. To hold a grudge, that’s not how I roll. So, I’m like it’s cool, man. Thanks for the apology. I appreciate it. Then he apologizes for something for which I was not aware of… our exchange:

Chum: “I wanted to know; you know I am transgender? just want you to know I was never out to deceive anyone, but several Professors told me not to come out”

Me: “you’re male to female…”

Chum: “MTF. yes.”

Me: “you identified to me as male… it doesn’t weird me out or anything… that you’re transgendered…”

Chum: “no, I came on to you… there is a difference. I thought you were hot, sorry I know that was awkward and I can see how I was a guy, doing guy things… but even then I was thinking like a girl”

Okay, so I’ll spare you the rest of the details, because it kind of goes down hill from there. I basically told him that I was happy he could finally feel free to be himself. I really was happy for him. To be able to be free and be who he is – it’s a commodity that some don’t have. I guess I’m just too darn nice, because before I knew it, he was calling me sweetie and talks about kisses to my brow entered the stream. Don’t ask. I begin to get THAT “vibe” from him. So, I bid him adieu – chat over. Now that I’ve had time to process it and read back over the exchange, I really wish he would have been able to explain this, because I totally didn’t get what he meant by, “I was a guy, doing guy things… but even then I was thinking like a girl”. I asked, but he said it was hard to explain. Hmmm…

I cannot tell a lie. I am confused…

Relatively Confounded,

^^Whipperwill^^

Guest Blogger – Whipperwill: Officially off the market… NOT!!!

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

“Relationships are strange and I am strange in them.”  That is a quote made famous by yours truly.  However, recent events have led me to believe that I don’t necessarily need to be in a relationship in order to behave strangely.  What the hell am I talking about?!?!

Okay, so… recently, I’ve been kind of, well… I have blatantly informed potential talent that I… wait for it…  have a BOYFRIEND. Gasp!  Sacre Bleu!!  I know, right?!?!  What the ass?  It started while I was away on “assignment”.  There was this basketball conference in town and all the players were staying in the hotel where I was working.  I remember enjoying the view as all these TALL, “dranks of wah-tah” from all over, stepped off their bus and into the hotel.  It was a mighty fine view and I was excited. Really excited!

Finally, after a couple of days I shared an elevator with “Player”.  We talked, we walked, we sat down at the bar of the hotel, and talked some more.   He orders a drink.  I order a water.  I wasn’t officially off the clock.  So, we sip, talk, and agree to meet up again the next night.  Same place.  Same time.  YES!  Off to a decent start.  He seems genuinely nice.  Actually, he had held the door open for me several times throughout the course of my work day.  That’s nice, right?  Anyway, we meet up the next day.  The conversation’s flowing.  I’m off the clock.  Hallelujah!  Player is cute, sweet, and seems real stand up.  So, why oh why, did the affirmative word yes, fall from my lips when he asked if I had a boyfriend?  Actually, I didn’t realize what I’d said until I heard him say, “lucky for him, not so lucky for me.”  What?  Oh no!  And like in the movies, Player throws a few bills down on the bar and cooly says, “it’s been real.”  I wanted to take it back!  Alas, it was too late.  What just happened?  It would happen two more times after that.  What am I?  Stuck on stupid?!?  I’m cock blocking myself.*  And really, the “I have a boyfriend” line!?!  I haven’t used that in years.  The adult me is usually more straightforward.  I stopped using that line and giving out fake numbers before I’d left college for the first time.  What’s up with that?  Am I trying to relive the “glory” days?  Am I going through an “almost” to midlife crisis?

For the record:  I do NOT have a boyfriend.  Love is still a desert.  Apparently, I’m supporting the drought.

Thirsty and Barren,

^^Whipperwill^^

*I don’t really ever use that phrase, but it seemed like the appropriate phrase to use.  Cheers 😉

Guest Blogger – Whipperwill: I have a dream…of love…

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

The other night, after a long workweek on the “new” job, I conked out somewhere between 9:30pm and 10:00pm. This is somewhat of an anomaly for me seeing how I’m a night owl. I was just that tired. Turns out, I would have the warmest dream filled with love. This would be the 2nd time that love would find me in a dream.

The first time it found me, I was 27 years old. I was madly and totally head over feet in love with a boy. A crush. With whom I had shared moments with where we contemplated an “us”. Which unfortunately for me, never moved passed contemplation. One night in particular was the sweetest of them all – the one night, where I wished I had handled it differently. My one regret after promising myself that I wouldn’t allow myself to have any more regrets as far as romance and love were concerned. I was 23 years old when I made that promise and was doing quite well. Until him.

Okay, so back to the dream of love. During the time of contemplation, I had the sweetest dream about us. We were in bed. It was morning. The sunlight had a Spielberg quality as it came pouring into the room. I was watching him sleep and when he woke, we spoke to each other, though no words at all we spoke. It was beautiful. So full of warmth. And yes, love. Our lips met in a brief kiss before in came this beautiful little girl. She hopped in bed with us. She was his. However, she felt like ours. She had wild curly hair and a medium complexion, which suggested she was of mixed breeding. I saw me in her. I saw him in her. However, there was this feeling that I had not bore this child. Nonetheless, she felt and looked like ours. We huddled under the sheets giggling and telling stories, before he finally got up. It was time to get ready to see the fireworks. It was the 4th of July. We left the house together – happy, warm, and loved. I woke up from this dream and I felt something that I can’t quite put into words. I feel it now, more intensely than I did before, because I have two dreams to draw from.

The other night I had this rather strange dream. I say that it’s strange, because I’m not quite sure what it stems from. Meaning, that I’m not hardcore crushing on anyone. I’m not contemplating anyone. As far as I know, no one is contemplating me. Love is a desert and I’m not expecting it to rain anytime soon. So, it was a strange, yet refreshing dream because it seems to occur out of nowhere. This time, I was acting as a protector of sorts to a girl friend of mine. Now, I know this girl in real life, but have only met her a handful of times. So, I can’t call her a “friend” in real life. However in the dream she was a friend. We were at a party, things got dicey, and I was able to remove her from the situation unharmed. In the process I had left my jacket, which had the keys to the car. So, I had to return to the party to retrieve my jacket. My friend was scared for me to return to the chaos of the party, but I assured her all would be fine. Upon my return to the car, she brought me in for a hug and then tried to kiss me. I turned my head and offered her my cheek, which she did not kiss. She walked away upset. Rejected. I then had a thought that I indeed wanted to kiss her. So, I walked over to her and kissed her. That was the start of a beautiful relationship. Again this feeling came. Whenever she was near and I wanted to hug her or have her close. I acted on that impulse. I didn’t care that she was a woman. I was free to be me and she was free to be herself as well. The intimacy of that was intoxicating. There was kissing. No sex. In each of the dreams, sex wasn’t a factor. In both it was just a strong, intense emotional connection, which seemed to be the lure of love. I woke from this dream when I felt that connection, the lure slipping away. In the dream I remember thinking, “what if what we have ends?” Before that thought grew too heavy I awoke, still basking in that indescribable feeling.

This dream caught me by surprise, not because of the fact that it was a woman. I do not feel as if it has to do with sexuality, really. Dreams are interesting that way. I once had a very vivid and lucid dream that I was a man. It was surprising and fascinating in a same, yet different kind of way. What was more surprising about this dream is that it seems to spring forth from nothing – as I stated before. So, while I had this vision of love and felt its warmth and power, I woke with a note of sadness and a question. Is this the closest I’ll ever get to love? Will it only find me in the safety of my dreams? If so, then Lord help me should I ever lose the ability to dream.

Contemplating in dreams,

^^Whipperwill^^