(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
I’ve heard a lot of talk about “open relationships” lately. And it’s got me thinking about my own possibilities.
In the past, my first response was something like, “EWWW WHAT A BUNCH OF SLUTS!!” but I have since changed my stance on the issue. From my own personal experience I have come to find that “open relationship” is not necessarily synonymous with “dirty swingers” (not that there’s anything wrong with that… if it’s your cup of tea).
Most people will come to a point in their lives, sooner or later, where they are unsure about relationships, lovers versus friends, or perhaps even their own place in the world. This may be attributed to some past failures in the romance department or it could just be a phase of life- what’s next? Where do we go from here?
Personal hang-ups aside, it’s quite difficult to think rationally about where one’s relationship desires lie when everyone around you seems to be committed, engaged, married, or divorced. Is there no one left untainted!?
I don’t want to be any of those things right now. Single has been an awakening sort of experience in the last 6 months since D-Day, and although I am not ready to fully commit to anyone, I have taken a liking to one lucky fellow…which sort of leaves me not wanting “single” either.
SO WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT THEN?
I’ve stated my case time and again that I am no one’s girl; I can’t commit and I need more time for myself. Partially because I still love my ex (not in love with, mind you), and he still has the ability to break me down on occasion.
I have accepted what went down. I have forgiven him for any misdeeds and I have forgiven myself as well. Despite all the acceptance and understanding, there are times that I simply do not need to see/cannot handle any “I love you, I want you back” texts late at night.
That time came recently, and as usual, at the most inopportune time.
I normally try to cut and run as soon as possible to avoid any serious personal discussions about exes, love, wants, and fears alike- to avoid any serious personal connection that I have to deal with later. But this time I was caught with my pants down, and tears in my eyes (literally). I was cornered and I had no way out of this caring, concerned embrace but to spill my guts.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. Here I was spouting a whole lot of shit I didn’t really want to say, but once it came up my throat and into my mouth I couldn’t swallow it back down. I apologized for being a mess.
“This is exactly why I have to leave.”
I didn’t explain myself fully. I didn’t go into the whole excruciating story beginning once upon a time in April of 2007. Although I said as little as I could manage, I have broken the seal.
I don’t want to get too involved. I don’t want to get too attached. I don’t want to be smothered. I don’t want to be clingy or clung to. On the other hand, I don’t want to invest myself too many places. I don’t want to go through the same motions with other people who may turn out to mean a little less in my eyes, or be a little less forgiving (or be a little less apt at touching me in all the right ways, physically and metaphorically).
Somehow, I feel safe here. I want a lover and a friend but I realize haven’t exactly treated my friend as such. Attempting to hide my past and emotions is not something I would do with a friend; especially not one whom I see so frequently.
I want to talk about my history and my stance on love and life, and obtain some understanding, and maybe even share similar stories; feel connected, become good friends. The problem is that I worry things may become overly complicated if I allow him in.
Take a number, Darren.
As a good friend recommended, if we can discuss the present and the future, agree on terms and expectations, lay down boundaries and uphold them, communicate fully, and generally act like adults about our open-ended romantic situation then all may benefit. Not to mention how helpful it could be to hear a male’s perspective for a change.
I think I will take my chances on being open, as long as this game is played fair.
Open and ready to score,