Guest Blogger – 1foot: Okay. I’ll Be Honest.

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

In an attempt to get in touch with how I truly feel about things right now so that I can decide what to do later, I would like to try honesty and NOT over-editing this post.

I miss ___. I do. I didn’t think I would still miss him this far on. It’s been 1 year, 2 months, and 26 days since we officially broke up, and 5 months and 20days since I asked him not to contact me anymore and quit talking to him. I still think that was a good choice, all things considered, and I’m not regretting that or missing our romantic relationship.

What I miss is having a friend, with whom I was completely and utterly honest, who knew more about me than a lot of people, and lived 15 minutes away. I have some friends like that now, but life and distance (distance is a big one) get in the way a lot of times. I’m not really one to bring up my problems unless we’re in close proximity (with each other or with my problems), or if you force me to tell you or ask point blank. I don’t know, maybe I’d rather everyone just understood what was going on in my head and offered to help whenever I needed it, magically guessing when I needed something. It’s hard when I want to reach out to someone and then think, nooooo… they’re probably enjoying their night, or their morning, or are busy with things, or happily going through their day with nary a thought of me in their head. UGH. That sounds so self-pitying. I don’t pity myself. I just don’t think that my problems matter much to other people. WHAAAAT. That’s dumb. I definitely have people to whom I know my problems matter. I know that. I just have a very, very difficult time reaching out, for some reason. I had a period after the relationship ended where I was better about talking about how I felt, about reaching out when I was sad, or when I missed him. Then after a few months I decided I was annoying everyone around me because they’d get (or I’d imagine they’d get) that distant look in their eye when I brought up his name. Continue reading

One Year Ago Today

Facebook started it.

The one year ago today business.

I’m an extremely reflective person (stating the obvious) and I probably think too much (Facebook doesn’t help), but sometimes when I think about one year ago today I am just utterly amazed.

One year ago on September 2 I broke up with The Unmentionable One (stated with a low, raspy, silly voice), bought a car, moved out of said person’s apartment, and felt like the loneliest person in the world.

Now, well…let’s see…

Now I’m in disbelief that it was one year ago that all this happened. It feels like three years.

I met someone (Mr. M) in March who made me realize that the world was a beautiful place, and dreams can come true…Disney style. Being so far on each of these spectrum’s in the same year is both refreshing and terrifying. One of the reasons I don’t like to write about happiness is I’m afraid I will lose it. If I acknowledge it, how long before it recognizes that I recognize it and it flees? Completely convoluted, I know. But these are my thoughts.

And speaking of thoughts. Last week I started thinking that if Mr. M didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend by the end of the month I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend. We have been acting like boyfriend/girlfriend for a while now, but we both agreed we wanted to take things slow. But lately I was feeling anxious and I had been asked out a couple of times (which is awkward). So, my plan was to buy some flowers and make a card that read…

boyfriend

But I didn’t have to.

This Friday, September 2 morning Mr. M and I woke up like a normal day. Normal except for the fact that when he was hugging me before we left for our days he asked me to be his girlfriend.

And I said yes.

Yours on a cloud they call nine,

25swf

PURGE 2: June 16, 2010

Think about where you were a year ago…

Today, 365 days ago, I was here.

“Ultimately you are rude and you don’t care about me. You talked demeaning about my mother. I cannot handle that. You have been around her twice in your life and I ask you to not be on your phone as much and you react with hate and malice. I see your parents, sister, and grandma many times and enjoy their company– interacting with them, making an effort. You can’t do the same for me for barely 24 hours. Thank you for teaching me a lot. I know you will go on to do great things in your life. Unfortunately it will not be with me. When the realization hits that it’s not all about you I think you will understand what you have lost and why you have lost it. We can still go to Alaska as friends. I will look for a place to stay as soon as possible.

I know you’re not going to respond to this and that’s fine. I am not going to change my mind. I cannot handle your excuses for the way you treat me anymore. Some things are inexcusable and in my mind this is one. I can’t be with someone who treats me like this. It’s humiliating and is driving me crazy.”

I didn’t actually break up with him. I wrote this on my phone while I was in “our” bed. I never sent it. 9 days later, on July 25th, I found the sex file of him and his fiancee, filmed in “our” bed. If I had left on July 16th I would have never found it. I just realized that when I was writing this post. Always trust your gut. ALWAYS. You will never be punished for trusting your gut.

Wonder Woman

I’ve been writing about MF lately. That’s because I’ve decided this is the week of purging memories. Feelings. Cleaning out the closet, if you will. Bare with me. There is so much happiness in my life. I am feeling grateful for where I am, but I want to remember where I came from. Everything that happened last year is the reason why I am here today. Writing before you. Loving before you. I feel like I have super powers. The power to heal myself. The power to overcome. The power to understand. The power to forgive. The power to be happy. The power to know I’m human and I am (ultimately) powerless.

Yours a Wondering Woman,

25swf

*This is the second post in a series of three memories from my relationship with MF I seek to purge.

I don’t want to break your heart

What does it mean when someone says, “I don’t want to break your heart”?

Ugh. This is what’s bothering me. I’m not sure how I should take this. I’m not sure what I will do with it. But I know I do need to clarify, but having patience is a virtue right now. My naturally inclined impatient self wants to call Mr. M right now and tell him that our conversation tonight really confused me and made me feel weird.

I brought it all up; I wanted to talk about the fact that although we are not in a relationship I just want to solely date him, or be with him. Monogamy is what I sought to clarify–just to put it out there that I’m not looking for anyone else and not talking to anyone else. His response to this was basically that he felt the same way, but because he is possibly moving (who knows where or when) he can’t be fully committed to me. He also said he doesn’t want to lead me on. It probably didn’t help that I brought this up in a phone conversation, but I’ve been so sick lately and tonight I didn’t want to go out but it was weighing on my mind. I guess I didn’t realize that he wanted to have a conversation about our future, which really was about our lack of one.

And the funny thing is, I can’t be fully committed to him either. I still need time to ease into this. Process things. But why do I feel like I’ve just been broken up with? Why do I feel like I was just rejected? I didn’t know if I would be in a relationship with him in the future or not, but that’s where it felt like this was going…and really the hope was all I needed to feel secure. I want to go back to the Land of La-La.

Now it feels hopeless. I am not the girl that you just have fun with. I am not the girl who you can fuck and leave. I am not the girl who just goes along with it. I am just not. So what does that make me in this?

If there is no hope for anything, why try?

Tomorrow I plan on bringing it up again and telling him the things he said felt really weird to me, and not like the Mr. M that I’ve seen over the past couple of months…the Mr. M that treats me like a “girlfriend”…but (apparently) wants to have nothing to do with one.

And honestly, I can’t be dicked around. If he’s pulling away from me, and not that into me anymore…I have to know. It would suck, but I have to know.

And here are some tips for your next relationship, or possibly your current one. Just a thought, but maybe these are some things you may not want to say to someone if you truly care about them:

“I don’t know how to gently say that I like you and I enjoy our time together but I can’t fully be committed to you.”

“I don’t want to lead you on.”

“I don’t want to break your heart.”

And this goes without saying, but this is just my side of the story. That’s why I’m sitting around writing about it, thinking about it. I want to tell him all of this tomorrow, and see if I totally missed the boat on everything he was saying. Also, as another side note and a bit more context to this post, the past couple of weeks have been wild. I have been super sick. I ran a marathon in the rain, hail and 40 degree weather, and I’m overall just feeling burnt out. And as my friend brought up, my natural endorphin release has been majorly curbed since I have stopped running. I think all of this is contributing to my sense of confusion about the Mr. M situation. Time to sit around and think has never really been very productive for me.

Yours asking a lot whys tonight,

25swf

Guest Blogger – Whipperwill: Officially off the market… NOT!!!

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

“Relationships are strange and I am strange in them.”  That is a quote made famous by yours truly.  However, recent events have led me to believe that I don’t necessarily need to be in a relationship in order to behave strangely.  What the hell am I talking about?!?!

Okay, so… recently, I’ve been kind of, well… I have blatantly informed potential talent that I… wait for it…  have a BOYFRIEND. Gasp!  Sacre Bleu!!  I know, right?!?!  What the ass?  It started while I was away on “assignment”.  There was this basketball conference in town and all the players were staying in the hotel where I was working.  I remember enjoying the view as all these TALL, “dranks of wah-tah” from all over, stepped off their bus and into the hotel.  It was a mighty fine view and I was excited. Really excited!

Finally, after a couple of days I shared an elevator with “Player”.  We talked, we walked, we sat down at the bar of the hotel, and talked some more.   He orders a drink.  I order a water.  I wasn’t officially off the clock.  So, we sip, talk, and agree to meet up again the next night.  Same place.  Same time.  YES!  Off to a decent start.  He seems genuinely nice.  Actually, he had held the door open for me several times throughout the course of my work day.  That’s nice, right?  Anyway, we meet up the next day.  The conversation’s flowing.  I’m off the clock.  Hallelujah!  Player is cute, sweet, and seems real stand up.  So, why oh why, did the affirmative word yes, fall from my lips when he asked if I had a boyfriend?  Actually, I didn’t realize what I’d said until I heard him say, “lucky for him, not so lucky for me.”  What?  Oh no!  And like in the movies, Player throws a few bills down on the bar and cooly says, “it’s been real.”  I wanted to take it back!  Alas, it was too late.  What just happened?  It would happen two more times after that.  What am I?  Stuck on stupid?!?  I’m cock blocking myself.*  And really, the “I have a boyfriend” line!?!  I haven’t used that in years.  The adult me is usually more straightforward.  I stopped using that line and giving out fake numbers before I’d left college for the first time.  What’s up with that?  Am I trying to relive the “glory” days?  Am I going through an “almost” to midlife crisis?

For the record:  I do NOT have a boyfriend.  Love is still a desert.  Apparently, I’m supporting the drought.

Thirsty and Barren,

^^Whipperwill^^

*I don’t really ever use that phrase, but it seemed like the appropriate phrase to use.  Cheers 😉