One Year Ago Today

Facebook started it.

The one year ago today business.

I’m an extremely reflective person (stating the obvious) and I probably think too much (Facebook doesn’t help), but sometimes when I think about one year ago today I am just utterly amazed.

One year ago on September 2 I broke up with The Unmentionable One (stated with a low, raspy, silly voice), bought a car, moved out of said person’s apartment, and felt like the loneliest person in the world.

Now, well…let’s see…

Now I’m in disbelief that it was one year ago that all this happened. It feels like three years.

I met someone (Mr. M) in March who made me realize that the world was a beautiful place, and dreams can come true…Disney style. Being so far on each of these spectrum’s in the same year is both refreshing and terrifying. One of the reasons I don’t like to write about happiness is I’m afraid I will lose it. If I acknowledge it, how long before it recognizes that I recognize it and it flees? Completely convoluted, I know. But these are my thoughts.

And speaking of thoughts. Last week I started thinking that if Mr. M didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend by the end of the month I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend. We have been acting like boyfriend/girlfriend for a while now, but we both agreed we wanted to take things slow. But lately I was feeling anxious and I had been asked out a couple of times (which is awkward). So, my plan was to buy some flowers and make a card that read…

boyfriend

But I didn’t have to.

This Friday, September 2 morning Mr. M and I woke up like a normal day. Normal except for the fact that when he was hugging me before we left for our days he asked me to be his girlfriend.

And I said yes.

Yours on a cloud they call nine,

25swf

What would I do…

if I weren’t afraid?

A friend posted this on my wall today. Just a great dose of “go get ’em girl!” Towards the end it felt reminiscent of my Master of Impossibilities List. I love inspirational Mondays!

UH OH. My icy heart is melting!

There’s a boy.

A guy.

A man.

A dude.

Who is sweeping me off my single feet.

I’ve known him all of a month. And yes, while that’s short period of time I’ve learned my lesson already, so don’t freak.

But this person. Ugh. I don’t know where to start. Who are you? Where did you come from? Why are you so freaking amazing? All of these kinds of things are running through my head.

I mentioned him in my last post, he would be genuine green(ish) eyes. But we’ll call him Mr. Mister. More than a gentleman, Mr. M emits gentle. And manliness. He constantly checks on me. How I am doing. Am I hungry. Am I cold. And more than likely, I am. He catches my thoughts before I have time to really even think them.

Are you gagging yet? Oh, there’s more. Get out the paper bags.

So, how did we meet? I’m working on a film that needs some motion graphics work and the director recommended him. She’s known him for a long time and I looked him up on Vimeo and added him as a contact. He Facebooked me and asked why weren’t already friends (because we have like 30 people in common). I said, I don’t know. There was some semi-flirtacious banter. Then the discovery that we live literally a block away from each other. Dinner was arranged. And we met for the first time a month ago when he walked up to my front door and said, “Hi!”

Did you get your paper bag yet? You’ll need them for this next part.

These things make me happier than anything. I can’t describe the feeling I get when I get a text from him and it has something like this in it:

good morning from Mr. M

Or this…

movie night

And my response…

howsaboutAnd then I melt…

yes!And we play…

sticky note

happy day to you drawing

And he is melting my icy heart.

So what about the Vow? Less than 2 months out I could say fuck it. But guess what? I’m not gonna. I can’t.

May 20 will be here in no time and I still feel like I need my beefy vow bouncer to keep me safe from heartbreak. However, it is increasingly difficult to be around Mr. M and not want to touch him. It’s kind of like a slow torture, and I’m doing it to myself.

I told him about the Vow (and the reasons behind it) a couple of weekends ago. Not only did he respect me for my Vow efforts, he shared his story of how after a long relationship of his ended back in 2007 he decided to be single for a year, “I needed to get my shit together.” And he started writing a book celebrating singledom, that he bound himself and worked on throughout the year, drawing creatures that had one liners, writing stories about crushes, changing the names and then having his friends read them (sound familiar?). He called this book Epic. And all things inside were to be just that, epic. He let me read it. I didn’t read the stories, just because it felt too personal too soon, but he said I could anytime.

And maybe you could tell from the awesome renderings and the Epic book, but he’s creative. Super duper creative. What he does for a living is creative–all of his goals are creative. He makes every moment being with him feel creative. We have about 8 things we’ve already decided we must do together, including Fatty Sundays where we sit around and watch things (like X-Files) and draw or work on stuff, and just be happy in the same room.

So I’m going to treat my Vow and this Mr. M in my life like an ice cube kinda situation. An ice cube doesn’t turn into water instantly, right? Exactly. I’m going to melt my way out of this Vow. Slowly, but surely, small things will fall away. I’m so excited for it to be warmer in here.

Yours feeling the heat,

25swf

Guest Blogger – 27swf: The Vomitwire

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

Two weeks ago, I binged. Hard. I kept going and going, unable to stop. I grabbed for more, trying desperately to satiate myself. But the more I clamored, the more I thirsted for more…

No, readers, it wasn’t chocolate or coke. It wasn’t cigs or booze. It was worse. It was Facebook.

I’ve been off Facebook for two weeks now, venturing on (with trepidation) to read messages and monitor postings and photos. After reading fellow 25swf’s post about the perils of fb-stalking, I too took a vow of celibacy. No more information porn for me.

At first it was hard. How could I live without knowing that Tess O. was in food coma from too much Thai food? That Lenny A. just ran 2.97 miles with his Nike-iPhone pedometer? That Mallory just checked in at Whole Foods (with 13 others)?

But I learned to live without this information. I was a happier person, living in the moment. You know. Real moments. I knew stuff about people because they actually told me, not because a virtual vomitwire was spewing it at me.

Facebook became a far-away land that I could just pretend didn’t exist. Sure, I knew in the back of my mind that it had loads of exciting things going on, but they were things that didn’t pertain to my life and so I didn’t really care. Sort of how most Americans felt about the political uprising in Egypt or the Mayoral Election in Chicago.

And then, the binge. A simple click of the mouse led to the page of my ex-boyfriend (the one I dated for 7 years). And that’s how I found out he got engaged. I started snooping, first his profile, then the fiance’s, then the fiance’s sister’s, then the fiance’s brother-in-law, then that girl named Ruthie who commented on the fiance’s photos from their dinner last week at a kosher Chinese restaurant….I felt the binge take hold of me, consuming me, exploding my brain, eyes, stomach to smithereens, pulverizing any sense of stability I’d finally achieved after two weeks of mayhem…

So, I took a lunch break.

As I enjoyed Baja Fresh Diablo Shrimp Tacos (soft shell, extra jalapenos) I realized that while Facebook is a wonderful networking tool, it is also destructive. And so I shouted out, from the steps of Baja Fresh (in my head, of course):

I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE

Like Howard Beale, in the fabulous film, Network, I’m mad as hell that Facebook has taken over lives. We’ve become slaves to a website and the useless information it holds. If Facebook gives us good news, we’re happy (“Hilary had a baby — send her a box of virtual truffles!”); if it gives us bad news, we’re sad (“My dog was run over today. RIP old man — you always did have a thing for motorcycles”). The website has the power to ruin my day or enliven my mood. And that’s way too much power.

And so, as Max Schumacher said to Diana in that same brilliant film:

“You are television incarnate, Diana, indifferent to suffering, insensitive to joy. All of life is reduced to the common rubble of banality.”

Only now, Facebook has replaced television — the common, unifying social force that is insensitive to our feelings, insensitive to our insecurities. Facebook doesn’t care how all useless, hurtful, insulting, and just plain dumb information that it spews forth hurts us. But we recklessly imbibe its poison, allowing it to influence how we see our world — and above all, ourselves.

And on that note, I’m turning off my computer and going to watch some quality television.

Yours,
27swf

Queen Elizabeth Knows Her Shit

I just got off the phone with a very wise friend of mine and she blew my mind (with the help of Queen Elizabeth I.)

I told her how recently I’ve gone through all my profiles and accounts (Facebook, Vimeo, Gmail, Grooveshark, and even the archaic Myspace- where we actually met…or, rather, he found me) and I’ve been deleting MF (aka Mind Fuck) from all of them. Even pictures of him. I have no need to keep these faux memories of “nice” times. Untagging this picture, and deleting that email. Unsubscribing from his company crap that I tried to support. Unsubscribing from related twitter feeds, and protecting my own ‘sweet tweets’ is incredibly mind clearing. (I just really wanted to say sweet tweets, they are not actually sweet). Like spring cleaning your house, you trash the stuff that doesn’t belong. And MF definitely does not belong.

But there’s this video…

When we trekked to Alaska this past summer I tagged along my video camera and cut together a little video of the trip. Interestingly enough I edited it after I broke up with him. I was trying to “get over it” and thought it would be helpful to remember and then let go. It didn’t really do the trick. Obviously, this is why we are (partially) here.

In the convo, I also brought up the idea that maybe I should take the video down, cut him out, and put it back up. I mean, I was doing it in my other profiles, and it felt great. But something felt kind of wrong about it. Not wrong in the sense of me caring about him. But just…wrong. At one point in the video I am excited about this “geyser,” which it’s not actually a geyser at all, and I get kind of giddy about it, trying to get him excited. He looks at it and then completely unemotionally looks forward. Welcome to the side of our relationship I tried to cut out of the video. I did a great job, actually. I remember when I was editing it I thought, cut away before you can really see that face. That’s all that relationship was to me and how it lasted 10 months…it was my REALLY kick ass editing job, not just with the video, but with the whole life thing. I will be taking Oscar nominations January 25, ahem.

I told her all of this…And then she said it…

“Do you remember Elizabeth, the first movie?”

I mean I’ve seen it…but it’s been awhile.

Queen Elizabeth I

Queen Elizabeth I! Actually this is Cate Blanchett, but you get the idea. Even in the 1500's women knew what was up. We probably all need to jot down some notes. There will be a test (many of them, actually).

“When she has to decide whether or not to kill Dudley she said ‘He shall be kept alive to always remind me of how close I came to danger.’

Holy hell.

I’m keeping it the way it is. The pictures will go. But the video will stay. To remind me of how close I came to danger. Because in all seriousness, I am incredibly lucky that I got myself out of that relationship.

Yours historically,

25swf