Kick It

I’ve been trying to shove it out of my head, or *kick it, as I call it. This feeling of lostness and depression keeps rearing it’s ugly head.

Due to life, my plans have changed. I am thankful. I am grateful. And then I just find myself feeling overwhelmed and I don’t know where to begin.

The house is a mess, I don’t want to clean it.

My resume needs a revamp, I don’t want to do it.

There are movies to be made, I don’t want to make them.

There are things to do. Lots of them.

I don’t want to do any of them.

This is my depression. Going on about three weeks now I have felt awful, and then better. Then awful again.

The only thing that keeps me sane nowadays is my relationship with Mr. M. His existence gives me hope.

For me, I know this is circumstantial depression. My mom, my friend’s dad, my uncle, Janet. Lots of sadness has been had in the past 6 months. I hate wallowing, and I can’t stand whiners. But life is really sad sometimes and it’s hard for me to accept that. I just want the lost feeling to go away.

I need a sign.

Yours trying to kick it,

25swf

*Kick it: the act of “kicking it” is a visualization I’ve done since I was a teenager. When my mind starts writhing and swirling down the rabbit hole of insecurity, worry, negativity, etc. I visually kick that thought out of my head. It flies high and far away from me. Thus, my opinion is that strong legs are helpful in life.

 

Where did my brains done go?

zombie-brainsIs it just me or does it feel like I’ve slowly (but surely) been losing my brain power since I graduated college (3 years ago this December). I feel less…something. I can’t put my finger on it. Possibly because I don’t have the on-hand vocabulary that I once did. I’ve done gone lost my smarts!

You don’t see me write these posts. Sometimes I sit here for 10 minutes to think of a word. I suppose that’s normal when you write something that is meaningful to you. Most of the time writing comes pretty naturally. Corny quips ALWAYS come straight from the heart.

But I’m talking about being a wordsmith. I felt like one once. All of the academic papers I was churning out over four years made me feel smart. I want that feeling back. Maybe I should take a class? Maybe I should go to grad school? I just don’t know what to do about this ‘stupid’ feeling. Where did my brains done go?

I want to be able to spout things off Ally McBeal style. Fast, quick, disarming. I want to channel my inner McBeal and spar with some words (clink, clink!) Those are the words sparing…

“Ally McBeal??” I can hear you questioning. Yes, that what-I-once-thought-was-dumb-late 90s-tv-show, Ally McBeal. It’s my new favorite. It’s weird (really weird), and corky (you really have no idea), and fills my void where Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Veronica Mars, Angel, and Battlestar Gallactica once lived. It’s not as amazing as any of the previously mentioned, but it gets me by. I HIGHLY recommend it for any single folk out there. Or just in general, people who like shows about relationships. It’s chocked full of ewy-gooey love bull shit. (Which I secretly, not so secretly, love).

I guess what I’m questioning is this lasting power of brain power. Did I already hit my peak? Is it a slow, down hill trip from here out. Or did I just not get enough sleep last night and am blowing this thing way out of proportion?

I guess it’s possible. Probable. Or even, quite likely, that sleep is the culprit. It makes me feel better to think that it is.

Am I the only one feeling a bit on the slower side of life?

Yours looking at you to make herself feel better,

25swf

Guest Blogger – Granuaile: Enough

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

I’ve now been on a few dates with this new guy… He’s fun, he dances, he texts when I think he should, he plays soccer, and he seems genuinely interested in me, but yet I keep trying to find ways to mark him off the list so I don’t have to mess with the get to know you part any more. I have no reason not to give it a try. And that’s when I realized all this change that has happened in my life the past few months has made it really hard for me to be patient and just be. I am constantly looking to the next thing and the adrenalin rush of the new. Not just with men, but with my life.

So when will I feel like it’s enough? To be able to stop constantly moving. I’m not really an adrenalin junkie in the skydiving, rollercoaster type of way. I’m actually kind of a scardy-cat when it comes to hanging off mountains or even jumping out of swings. But I do crave the new. The nerves and excitement of traveling to new places. Starting your life over. Trying to see if you can make it. I moved across the ocean just 5 months ago and I’m already starting to think about where I’ll move next and then what will I do after that and after that.

I know I’ll probably never be a homebody and I hope to keep traveling well into my 80’s, but when will I feel like my home is enough? Not settling for something less than my best or giving in to a “normal” life. But instead feeling peaceful about where I am and what I’m doing.

The restless,

Granuaile

My confession

Soooooo, I have something to confess.

Ya know how my name is 25 single white female?

Well…When I started this blog I was NOT 25. I was actually 23, about to turn 24.

And the confession, welp, I turn 25 this week. So what am I going to do after next year? Welp, be 26 single white female, silly!

cat birthday cake

Don't judge...who doesn't like cat birthday cake pictures? Exactly.

Turning 25 is really, stupidly exciting to me. I know it’s not supposed to be a big birthday, but to me it’s the ultimate 20-year-old birthday. Better than 21. At 21 you are still really dumb. In terms of most things in your life, you are still immature and now you can drink, woopidy doo-da. I’m not an alcoholic, so I didn’t really care. It’s just more convenient to be over 21.

But 25. Oh, twenty-five. You glorious beautifully solid, odd number you. 25 is graceful.

25 is experienced. 25 is experiencing. 25 is wiser. 25 is mid-twenties. 25 is confident. And my favorite part about 25…

25 is brain solidfying.

What do I mean by that, you ask? Intriguing, I know!

It’s science! The frontal lobe is the last part of the brain to fully develop around age 25 and has the highest plasticity throughout life, meaning that it can easily change connection and make new ones. And why do we care about the frontal lobe? Well! **Bill Nye the Science Guy enters from stage left** Frontal cortex is said to process reasoning and decision making. hmmmm…

So here are my Top 25 things that I’m excited about being 25 for!

25 Reasons Why the Age 25 is the Shiat.

25- Once you turn 25, car insurance companies can lower your rates, because statistically car accidents go down. Plus they like the sciencey part of your brain being fully developed (and Bill Nye).

24- After the age of 25 you start to slowly lose your memory. Some would say this is a negative. I don’t know about you, but I’m just going to use that as an excuse in sticky situations. OH, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pay that bill late…I’m 25, losing my memory. SEEeee.

23- My chance of getting a divorce goes down by almost half! DANNNNNGGGGG. I don’t want to get divorced, so I’ll take it. So far, so good.

22- 25 is hot. Period.

21- I’m not in school and have been working out in the real world for a couple of years. I’m getting a hold on this strange thing called life.

20- It’s time to start doing the shit I’ve always said I’ve wanted to do. I’m kind of already doing it.

19- I can rent a car without crap going down like extra deposits or whatever they drum up.

18- 25 years of experience under your belt of a lot of things. You could be considered the master of some things. The Master of Walking. The Master of Breathing. The Master of…Sleeping. It’s really up to what you are feeling like claiming. And proud of. I’m proud of my capability to fall asleep instantly-I’ve had a lot of practice.

17- For ladies, you are half way there to becoming a part of the Red Hat Society. I already have my application filled out.

16- I’m almost home free of mental illness! 1 in 5 US adults have mental illness. BUT in a study the 18-25 age group was reported as having the most mental illness, and more women than men were afflicted. 25 is one year close to being home-free!

15- It just sounds cool. Say 23 outloud. DUMB. Twenty-four. Um, who cares? 25. Wow.

14- 25 is half way to 50. I better make these next 25 count.

13- According to Wikipedia, twenty-five is is the natural number following 24 and preceding 26.

12- The Atomic Number 25 is Maganese, a hard brittle grey polyvalent metallic element that resembles iron but is not magnetic; used in making steel; occurs in many minerals. And that’s just bad ass.

11- 25 is a square number. 5² = 5 × 5

10- 25 is also the day that Christmas is on, and even if you’re not religious (like me) it still has a special feeling associated with it. Happiness.

9- The Sun rotates once in 25 days near the poles and about 30 days near its equator.

8- $0.25 is the best coin. I feel rich when I find a quarter.

7- I could be in the United States House of Representatives- 25 is the minimum age! Watch out Washington!

6- When Orson Welles was 25 years old he directed directed and starred in Citizen Kane.

5- After May 1 I will have said I ran a full marathon at the age of 25. Definitely never thought that would happen.

4- 25 is a great age to be single. Why? Because you have that awesome brain all developed and you can make super smart decisions about YOUR future!

3- Like Daft Punk says, you are harder better, faster, stronger.

2- I think I’ll reiterate the fact that is sounds cool. Tweeeeennnnntttttyyyyyyy-fiveeee. Yup, it still does even all slowed down.

1- And the #1 reason turning 25 is the shiat! Because YOU MAKE IT BE THE SHIAT!

Yours celebrating all of these reasons,

25swf