I’m Annoyed.

This week I am (officially) annoyed at being in a relationship. Every time I try to have alone time or space it seems to be interrupted. And lately (more than usual) I have been feeling the stinging realization that I am not single. Like really not single. Like can’t escape into your own apartment single. Like we’re on a family cell phone plane together. Like we’re moving to New York come this spring together. Like, this is it, together.

I only feel this way when I’m trying to be creative or have some me time. The juices are flowing (so to speak) and my creativity is interrupted by “cat talk” –the cat person’s version of “baby talk.” I’m trying to read my New Yorker here.

my literal notes

I know it doesn’t seem important to you, but I’m absorbing something that I’ve worked to enjoy. I made dinner. I cleaned the dishes. I want to read The New Yorker without having the TV turned on next to me.  Hearing “Ohhhh baby girl (to the cat), you’re so sweet. You’re the sweetest. Did you know that?” I’m trying to take notes (literally) on the Lowline Project, Emily Nussbaum, and a Tennessee William’s play I want to read. The TV blaring next to me really isn’t helping my cognitive absorption. I’m having a surge of creativity and inspiration, and I want to explore it…NOW. Not tend to your questions or your own blabbering. Plus, my anxiety of being behind 10-12 New Yorkers at any given time is not helping matters.

I think I’m being stupid.

I think I’m just being reactionary.

I know I’m on my period.

I know I need to get sexed* up.

But DAMNIT are all fleeting waves of complex annoying emotions the result of uterus hemorrhaging, or are they REAL? These are the First World questions that haunt me.

Am I annoyed. Or am I Annoyed. ANNOYED is how I feel.

Yours questioning the merits of irrational annoyances,

25swf

*It’s been like three weeks. That’s just not right.

BOO CANCER.

In my last post I left you guys hanging with cancer thoughts and flea infestations. And by you guys, I mean the three people who stumble upon this blog because they Google “Kate Winslet naked,” and this comes up. Welcome, friends!

I apologize for my leave of absence, but here I am now giving you the fun news.

So my mom was officially diagnosed with COLON CANCER. Continue reading

Happy Spot #4: and then there was this guy

The sickness has been going around. It leaves no stone unturned, no head unclogged. It’s a real doozy and for some reason I’m still not over it, but almost there. In the throws of awfulness I left work early last week and came home to a made bed (my ultimate favorite) and this…

sweet photo

a pillow note from Mr. M.

I’m tellin’ ya…ladies love notes! Random notes of affection and appreciation go further than you would think.

It wasn’t all pillow talk during my week of a compromised immune system. Mr. M and I had to have a real heart to heart about how I need someone to take care of me when I’m sick. Normally I’m all I-am-woman-hear-me-roar, but when I’m sick–all caution is thrown to the wind and I become a big baby. Just scoop me up because I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. It was a good opportunity for him to learn something about me. He felt bad after not living up to my previously un-relayed expectations and came home the other day and said he had been thinking. He decided that writing a manifesto to protest his desire and commitment to taking care of me was in order.

The L-word crept into my mind as he mentioned the manifesto. Who are you? Why do I get to keep you? After 2010, the year of heartache and angst, it’s really unbelievable that I made it out alive and then there was this guy.

Mr. M. Nobody is perfect. But I wasn’t looking for perfect anyways. I was looking for this guy.

Thanks Universe,

25swf

Settling Down

A friend posted this on my wall the other day…

Little did she know “settling down” has been on my mind A LOT lately. Partially due to the fact that my best friend is getting married and we’ve been dress shopping a few times in the past month. Mostly due to the fact that (whether I like it or not) ever since I was a wee-one, I imagined getting married and doing all those things married people do. Which is odd because I had no central man figure in my life growing up (which I have a post about coming up) and my mom never dated. Like never. Marriage wasn’t something I was actually exposed to as a child…it was still something I romanticized.

And let’s be real. Damn Pinterest is making me feel a little antsy about settling down. All those amazing wedding ideas just flashing themselves at me. OF COURSE I have to pin them…in a board I call “Futures.”

But at the end of the day, I know I’m not even ready for that. I have plans to move in the next year. I have a lot more to worry about, and it doesn’t involve lace sleeves and trumpet shapes. I still daydream. And I wonder when I know when I’m ready? I guess I’ll know when I’m asked. And for some reason this video made me feel better about it all. Like I’m not the only one…with fears of suburbia (see my Revolutionary Road post) and the urge to settle down.

Yours feeling less alone thanks to Kimbra,

25swf

The Dating Monster

I am not opposed to people meeting online. I mean, technically that’s how I got to know Mr. M. My friend told me about him and I looked up his work, friended him on Vimeo, and the rest is history. But real dating sites kind of scare me. Like a monster under my bed, I know there’s nothing to be scared of, but it’s because I don’t look under there and create my own scenarios of what lies beneath.  But it’s not really the site, it’s the idea of…dating. I’m not a good “dater.” It’s just a fact. I don’t know how to really “date” people…I get to know someone and then I either want to be with them or I don’t; a common affliction of a serial monogamist.

Mr. M is the first relationship in my life where we have taking things uber slow, but not dumb slow. I’ve known him since March, and usually by this time we’d be saying the big four letter word (you know, LOooooVE) to each other. But we’re holding off. We haven’t even talked about it. And I know why…because we feel the same way about it. We want to wait for it.

All this to say/ramble on, I think dating sites are really great for a lot of people. I read this on Mashable.com today and it got me thinking about all of the ways you can meet someone. Who’s to say one way is better than the next? Have you ever dated someone you met online? Would you recommend it?

location-based dating Yours world wide web-wondering,

25swf