Guest Blogger – 1foot: Okay. I’ll Be Honest.

(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)

In an attempt to get in touch with how I truly feel about things right now so that I can decide what to do later, I would like to try honesty and NOT over-editing this post.

I miss ___. I do. I didn’t think I would still miss him this far on. It’s been 1 year, 2 months, and 26 days since we officially broke up, and 5 months and 20days since I asked him not to contact me anymore and quit talking to him. I still think that was a good choice, all things considered, and I’m not regretting that or missing our romantic relationship.

What I miss is having a friend, with whom I was completely and utterly honest, who knew more about me than a lot of people, and lived 15 minutes away. I have some friends like that now, but life and distance (distance is a big one) get in the way a lot of times. I’m not really one to bring up my problems unless we’re in close proximity (with each other or with my problems), or if you force me to tell you or ask point blank. I don’t know, maybe I’d rather everyone just understood what was going on in my head and offered to help whenever I needed it, magically guessing when I needed something. It’s hard when I want to reach out to someone and then think, nooooo… they’re probably enjoying their night, or their morning, or are busy with things, or happily going through their day with nary a thought of me in their head. UGH. That sounds so self-pitying. I don’t pity myself. I just don’t think that my problems matter much to other people. WHAAAAT. That’s dumb. I definitely have people to whom I know my problems matter. I know that. I just have a very, very difficult time reaching out, for some reason. I had a period after the relationship ended where I was better about talking about how I felt, about reaching out when I was sad, or when I missed him. Then after a few months I decided I was annoying everyone around me because they’d get (or I’d imagine they’d get) that distant look in their eye when I brought up his name. Continue reading

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PURGE 1: Fucked in the ass.

A memory came back to me the other day and it was something I never thought I would tell anyone (let alone blog about). But the other day I had the deep urge to write about it.

The day before I broke up with MF back in September 2010 was memorable for more than the obvious reasons.

I was on my period, but in his usual fashion he woke me up in the middle of the night to fool around.

But this time was different. I was curious what was going to happen since I was unsexable.

He stuck in a place he had never before. No lube. No nothing. Just him and me half-asleep whimpering, “Ow.” I didn’t physically stop him. I wanted to see what he’d do after hearing my groan.

He went further. I yelled louder. “Ow, that hurts.”

He stopped and said, “Ok.”

Continue reading

The response

After an amazing friend Facebook stalked MF (without me even asking) and found out that he is in fact STILL in a relationship. I drafted my response and sent it back with confidence that I had made the right decision.

Hi (his name),

I don’t hate you. There was a lot of pain that you caused me, and I appreciate your apology. I’m moving on and I’m so happy to be where I am in my life. Things are wonderful, and they worked out the way they were supposed to. I truly believe that.

I find it disrespectful to your new relationship and your new girlfriend to meet with you. It always hurt me when you met with (his ex’s name), and I don’t want to be a part of someone else’s cause of pain or anxiety.

It would be great if we could be friends, but given our history, I think it’s best for both of us to just move on.

I hope you are happy. I wish you the very best.

-(my name)

And thus, I opened some kind of new door. A door that closes the room behind me where MF lives.

Yours stepping in the right direction,

25swf