MAY 20th IS HERE.

It’s May 20th, my dear friends. And I recently found out that (apparently) The Rapture is tomorrow. But that’s not what we are here to talk about…but at least I made it to my Vow in time. Otherwise, wow, to be tormented for five months, as predicted via The Rapture, at the end of a six month self-torment (aka The Vow) would just be a real doozy.

So what does May 20th mean? Well, there’s this Vow thing I embarked upon six months ago. It was my way of protecting my pants and my heart. And it worked. Some of my friends criticized my sexless sabbatical, but I don’t regret it one bit.

I can’t say that I reached my May 20th goal, entirely. But I will say that the past 20 days have been gloriously warm. And I’m so happy about the change in temp. And it may just be a coincidence, but I’d like to think that the fact that The Vow coincides with the time of the year when the whole world warms up and begins to bloom, makes it just that more special. Oh, Spring…I’m ready for my love affair.

And it’s already begun…this morning I woke up and there was Mr. M holding me while thunder shook the walls and rain raged on outside. It was the perfect way to wake up to May 20th.

Yours taking the day off work for obvious reasons (like to catch up on some errands…geez, what were you thinking?),

25swf

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I don’t want to break your heart

What does it mean when someone says, “I don’t want to break your heart”?

Ugh. This is what’s bothering me. I’m not sure how I should take this. I’m not sure what I will do with it. But I know I do need to clarify, but having patience is a virtue right now. My naturally inclined impatient self wants to call Mr. M right now and tell him that our conversation tonight really confused me and made me feel weird.

I brought it all up; I wanted to talk about the fact that although we are not in a relationship I just want to solely date him, or be with him. Monogamy is what I sought to clarify–just to put it out there that I’m not looking for anyone else and not talking to anyone else. His response to this was basically that he felt the same way, but because he is possibly moving (who knows where or when) he can’t be fully committed to me. He also said he doesn’t want to lead me on. It probably didn’t help that I brought this up in a phone conversation, but I’ve been so sick lately and tonight I didn’t want to go out but it was weighing on my mind. I guess I didn’t realize that he wanted to have a conversation about our future, which really was about our lack of one.

And the funny thing is, I can’t be fully committed to him either. I still need time to ease into this. Process things. But why do I feel like I’ve just been broken up with? Why do I feel like I was just rejected? I didn’t know if I would be in a relationship with him in the future or not, but that’s where it felt like this was going…and really the hope was all I needed to feel secure. I want to go back to the Land of La-La.

Now it feels hopeless. I am not the girl that you just have fun with. I am not the girl who you can fuck and leave. I am not the girl who just goes along with it. I am just not. So what does that make me in this?

If there is no hope for anything, why try?

Tomorrow I plan on bringing it up again and telling him the things he said felt really weird to me, and not like the Mr. M that I’ve seen over the past couple of months…the Mr. M that treats me like a “girlfriend”…but (apparently) wants to have nothing to do with one.

And honestly, I can’t be dicked around. If he’s pulling away from me, and not that into me anymore…I have to know. It would suck, but I have to know.

And here are some tips for your next relationship, or possibly your current one. Just a thought, but maybe these are some things you may not want to say to someone if you truly care about them:

“I don’t know how to gently say that I like you and I enjoy our time together but I can’t fully be committed to you.”

“I don’t want to lead you on.”

“I don’t want to break your heart.”

And this goes without saying, but this is just my side of the story. That’s why I’m sitting around writing about it, thinking about it. I want to tell him all of this tomorrow, and see if I totally missed the boat on everything he was saying. Also, as another side note and a bit more context to this post, the past couple of weeks have been wild. I have been super sick. I ran a marathon in the rain, hail and 40 degree weather, and I’m overall just feeling burnt out. And as my friend brought up, my natural endorphin release has been majorly curbed since I have stopped running. I think all of this is contributing to my sense of confusion about the Mr. M situation. Time to sit around and think has never really been very productive for me.

Yours asking a lot whys tonight,

25swf

It should be.

He looked at me over the dinner I just made for us. Garlic sautéed bell peppers, wine, and dyed eggs sat between us.

“How could anyone ever be mean to you?” he said referring to the very limited information I had relayed about MF.

I smiled. But I wanted to cry.

“I’m serious. How? You are so nice, and caring, and…” His words trailed off and everything was a little fuzzy, including the velvet seat beneath my rump. I really have no idea what he said to me after that.

When I came back to Earth, “Well you deserve it. You are always thoughtful of me. Always asking me how I am. Always thinking of me. You are unlike anyone I have ever met,” I told him.

Immediately I regretted saying that last line. So cliche and dumb. Can we rewind and make me sound a little less like an ass? Nope. Ok well, moving forward.

“But that’s all normal stuff,” he said.

“No, it’s really not,” I said.

“Well it should be,” he smiled.

This past Sunday I planned a surprise day for Mr. M.

He has been working incredibly hard on some projects at work and the stress was wearing on him. And despite all of the stress, he was still wonderful to me. He didn’t ignore me, or treat me strangely. He even surprised me with cupcakes from Cuppies & Joe.

Red VinesAnd his surprise day was based around one thing. A bath. Funny, I know. But awhile back Mr. M mentioned he hadn’t had a bath in like a year. His current shower situation didn’t allow for baths. And I just found that unacceptable, since baths are a regularity in my life. I bought man wash (aka Old Spice), a man louffa (silver man color), Red Vines (his favorite man candy), and bath salts (that weren’t really so manly in any scent).

I cleaned my bathroom from head to toe, lit some candles, put on some relaxing music (Bon Iver Pandora station) and welcome Relax Town USA!

And before the best bath ever, we dyed eggs, in honor of Easter and really just in honor of the fact that dying eggs is an incredible amount of fun. We chomped on bread and brie, sipping some wine, and coming up with crazy egg creations.

Then I snuck away to get the bath ready. “Get naked,” I told him. And he did. Remember, the Vow is (semi intact). So no funny business, just a warm, relaxing bath.

While Mr. M bathed away his stress I started dinner. I was finishing everything up when he walked in.

After the fuzzy moments I mentioned above, our conversation continued… “No one has ever done something for me this nice,” he said.

“Well, that’s unfortunate…ever?” I was confused. Mr. M was one of the kindest guys I had ever met. No one ever did things like this for him?

“No, I’m usually the one doing stuff like this,” he said.

“Well it’s all normal stuff.”

“Not for me,” he was acting a little different.

“Well, it should be,” I said and we both smiled at our realization that we both thought it should be for different (yet I guess, the same) reasons.

Yours thinking about how it should be the case that we think about the ones we are with a little more often (but why don’t we?),

25swf

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you.

Yes, there’s a chance I’ve fallen quite hard over you.

Yours quoting songs today which may (or may not) be related to current 25 single white female life events,

25swf

Listen and vomit a little.

UH OH. My icy heart is melting!

There’s a boy.

A guy.

A man.

A dude.

Who is sweeping me off my single feet.

I’ve known him all of a month. And yes, while that’s short period of time I’ve learned my lesson already, so don’t freak.

But this person. Ugh. I don’t know where to start. Who are you? Where did you come from? Why are you so freaking amazing? All of these kinds of things are running through my head.

I mentioned him in my last post, he would be genuine green(ish) eyes. But we’ll call him Mr. Mister. More than a gentleman, Mr. M emits gentle. And manliness. He constantly checks on me. How I am doing. Am I hungry. Am I cold. And more than likely, I am. He catches my thoughts before I have time to really even think them.

Are you gagging yet? Oh, there’s more. Get out the paper bags.

So, how did we meet? I’m working on a film that needs some motion graphics work and the director recommended him. She’s known him for a long time and I looked him up on Vimeo and added him as a contact. He Facebooked me and asked why weren’t already friends (because we have like 30 people in common). I said, I don’t know. There was some semi-flirtacious banter. Then the discovery that we live literally a block away from each other. Dinner was arranged. And we met for the first time a month ago when he walked up to my front door and said, “Hi!”

Did you get your paper bag yet? You’ll need them for this next part.

These things make me happier than anything. I can’t describe the feeling I get when I get a text from him and it has something like this in it:

good morning from Mr. M

Or this…

movie night

And my response…

howsaboutAnd then I melt…

yes!And we play…

sticky note

happy day to you drawing

And he is melting my icy heart.

So what about the Vow? Less than 2 months out I could say fuck it. But guess what? I’m not gonna. I can’t.

May 20 will be here in no time and I still feel like I need my beefy vow bouncer to keep me safe from heartbreak. However, it is increasingly difficult to be around Mr. M and not want to touch him. It’s kind of like a slow torture, and I’m doing it to myself.

I told him about the Vow (and the reasons behind it) a couple of weekends ago. Not only did he respect me for my Vow efforts, he shared his story of how after a long relationship of his ended back in 2007 he decided to be single for a year, “I needed to get my shit together.” And he started writing a book celebrating singledom, that he bound himself and worked on throughout the year, drawing creatures that had one liners, writing stories about crushes, changing the names and then having his friends read them (sound familiar?). He called this book Epic. And all things inside were to be just that, epic. He let me read it. I didn’t read the stories, just because it felt too personal too soon, but he said I could anytime.

And maybe you could tell from the awesome renderings and the Epic book, but he’s creative. Super duper creative. What he does for a living is creative–all of his goals are creative. He makes every moment being with him feel creative. We have about 8 things we’ve already decided we must do together, including Fatty Sundays where we sit around and watch things (like X-Files) and draw or work on stuff, and just be happy in the same room.

So I’m going to treat my Vow and this Mr. M in my life like an ice cube kinda situation. An ice cube doesn’t turn into water instantly, right? Exactly. I’m going to melt my way out of this Vow. Slowly, but surely, small things will fall away. I’m so excited for it to be warmer in here.

Yours feeling the heat,

25swf