Times They are a Changin’

With the changing leaves and colder breeze, I recently had an idea.

I want more voices on this here blog.

If I had a sign it would say, “CALLING ALL SINGLETONS AND MORE!” Male, or female. Old, or young. Games of Thrones fan, or not. I’m looking for some new guest bloggers to hang out and talk about the nitty gritty relationship stuff. Whether you are single OR in a relationship, I want you!

Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you married folk, too.

Fill out this form and tell me a little bit about yourself and I’ll check ya out and see if you would fit. You could be a reocurring guest blogger, or a one-hit wonder. It’s up to you! I just know the world wants to hear your story, and this is a safe place to tell it.

This blog is about relationships, and it’s mission is to make people with broken hearts feel less lonely — women feel less insane about having emotions — and men feel less baffled by lady emotions. The goal is simple: let’s talk about the complexity of relationships and lurv. Clearly, there is a lot to talk about, and neverending stories to tell.

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TV MA

*Sex is extremely important to me. It’s in the top 5 things that I need to be happy.

When I was little I use to sneak around in the middle of the night, pretending like I couldn’t fall asleep. “Oh the insomnia,” I would whine. Little did my mom know, I was turning to Cinemax and HBO for some soft-core porno action. I utilized the previous channel button on the remote to keep my sexy secret safe. MTV, QVC, or some other three-letter network acted as my quick getaway. If I heard my mom’s door open. BAM. From moans to My So-Called Life. 

I think this all started when I was about 12 or so. I remember the feeling I would get while watching these dirty movies. A tingling sensation would take over. Sometimes I would touch myself, but that felt awkward and boring. Most of the time I would just watch. Enthralled with the feeling between my legs, I was obsessed. Every night I would sneak away, turn the TV down extra low, and hunker down for a night of learning and yearning. Those HBO bells would chime…the static would play…the choir would sing…and I would be whisked away on a journey of a good girl gone bad.

I felt guilty for my porno secret. I remember sitting in my 6th grade math class thinking, “If only they all knew what I did last night…they would be so ashamed.” Up until age 23-ish I was always conflicted with my sexuality and my conscience. Welcome to being a girl. Yayyyyy.

Like all normal people, there came a time when we stopped paying exorbitant amounts for HBO and Skinamax, but my love for porn never stopped. My high school boyfriend got me a porno DVD as a gift once. It was vile and was not the classy HBO/Cinemax stuff I had grown accustomed to. That was really the last time I watched it.

Until last week. Continue reading

Settling Down

A friend posted this on my wall the other day…

Little did she know “settling down” has been on my mind A LOT lately. Partially due to the fact that my best friend is getting married and we’ve been dress shopping a few times in the past month. Mostly due to the fact that (whether I like it or not) ever since I was a wee-one, I imagined getting married and doing all those things married people do. Which is odd because I had no central man figure in my life growing up (which I have a post about coming up) and my mom never dated. Like never. Marriage wasn’t something I was actually exposed to as a child…it was still something I romanticized.

And let’s be real. Damn Pinterest is making me feel a little antsy about settling down. All those amazing wedding ideas just flashing themselves at me. OF COURSE I have to pin them…in a board I call “Futures.”

But at the end of the day, I know I’m not even ready for that. I have plans to move in the next year. I have a lot more to worry about, and it doesn’t involve lace sleeves and trumpet shapes. I still daydream. And I wonder when I know when I’m ready? I guess I’ll know when I’m asked. And for some reason this video made me feel better about it all. Like I’m not the only one…with fears of suburbia (see my Revolutionary Road post) and the urge to settle down.

Yours feeling less alone thanks to Kimbra,

25swf

What would I do…

if I weren’t afraid?

A friend posted this on my wall today. Just a great dose of “go get ’em girl!” Towards the end it felt reminiscent of my Master of Impossibilities List. I love inspirational Mondays!

Investments. Profits. ROI. Capital. Industry.

Are you lost yet? Business lingo is the best/dumbest. If you use these words, you are a tool, but you probably make a lot of money. I do all this business bashing, but sometimes we have to use these silly words (I admit to it). And guilty by association, sometimes we all have to be a bit toolish to speak the language of those…business people.

And with all this business language floating around in my head currently, I was thinking about how it relates to relationships.

I have something to share. It may cause some controversy. I can hear the ruckus now.

I have a feeling…

Something that never really mattered for me to divulge until now is that I am in the filmmaking world. But you need to know that now, so there ya go! Film, YAY!

There’s something I have noticed in this said filmmaking world. All of the successful women in film are all…single. I’m even talking about the people here in my red dirt state. The ones that are really successful either have hubby’s who are M.I.A. most of the time or they are single. The big wigs, Sundance winners…Oscar nominated…most of them are single (obvious disclaimer: I am not saying ALL).

So I thought to myself. Well, why?

I think I know. Or I have an idea of why. Investment. When you decide what you want, i.e. a goal, if you are driven you will get there. Your investments of time and energy pour into this other thing and has no business being pulled in the direction of a relationship. Guys think they want a woman that is driven, ambitious, independent. Guess what? They don’t. (most of them) Their egos get in the way. The ego will always win in the end if you don’t know how to control it.

Driven people are drawn to other driven people. But guess what, there’s only one wheel in a car for a reason.

I know what you are thinking? OH, here she goes…crazy 25swf thinking she knows things again. And you say, “But every plane has two sets of controls, silly girl!” AHA! But that’s different…(and that’s all I’m going to say about that).

So back to my awesome car analogy. There’s one wheel, but who cares about a wheel without the rest of the damn car? The tires, the oil…you need it all to make the dern thing go anywhere! And like a relationship, everyone has to put in some oil, help change the tires, and run general maintenance. It’s time consuming, expensive, and stressful. But that car can take you to places. On journeys and adventures. And if it’s running well, you will get to wherever you are going…together.

And me. I like to steer. Just my personality I guess, but sometimes…I want to enjoy the ride. When I’m in the passenger seat I look around, enjoy more, notice the small things and soak into the warmth and rhythm of the engine’s hum…I usually fall asleep.

I want someone to split the driving up with. 50/50. And when it comes to cooking, 25/75 (they are the 75).

driving

You take the first 4 hours, I take the last 4 hours. Let's do this. (preferably, but not required, in THIS sexy car)

Now that’s a relationship I could really see some return on investments (ROI) from. But does it exist?

Is it possible that filmy/creative people have to (in order to achieve a highly successful career) invest everything into that goal. If you are one or know somebody that digs deep into this profession and is successful then you may know what I’m talking about. It’s insane. It’s all consuming. All encompassing of your attention, efforts, talent, and energy.

But is the career investment profit worth it? At this point in my life, I believe it is. I can’t invest myself fully in a relationship right now because of recent heartache tragedies, but also because I don’t want to. I don’t want my energy to go somewhere else. Into someone else (who may or may not break my heart). And at this point in my life, no one deserves it.

Though I AM ready to invest in some quality making out time with a hot guy soon. Maybe it’s just the moon, but lately May 20 can’t come soon enough.

Yours all biznassed out,

25swf