PURGE 2: June 16, 2010

Think about where you were a year ago…

Today, 365 days ago, I was here.

“Ultimately you are rude and you don’t care about me. You talked demeaning about my mother. I cannot handle that. You have been around her twice in your life and I ask you to not be on your phone as much and you react with hate and malice. I see your parents, sister, and grandma many times and enjoy their company– interacting with them, making an effort. You can’t do the same for me for barely 24 hours. Thank you for teaching me a lot. I know you will go on to do great things in your life. Unfortunately it will not be with me. When the realization hits that it’s not all about you I think you will understand what you have lost and why you have lost it. We can still go to Alaska as friends. I will look for a place to stay as soon as possible.

I know you’re not going to respond to this and that’s fine. I am not going to change my mind. I cannot handle your excuses for the way you treat me anymore. Some things are inexcusable and in my mind this is one. I can’t be with someone who treats me like this. It’s humiliating and is driving me crazy.”

I didn’t actually break up with him. I wrote this on my phone while I was in “our” bed. I never sent it. 9 days later, on July 25th, I found the sex file of him and his fiancee, filmed in “our” bed. If I had left on July 16th I would have never found it. I just realized that when I was writing this post. Always trust your gut. ALWAYS. You will never be punished for trusting your gut.

I’ve been writing about MF lately. That’s because I’ve decided this is the week of purging memories. Feelings. Cleaning out the closet, if you will. Bare with me. There is so much happiness in my life. I am feeling grateful for where I am, but I want to remember where I came from. Everything that happened last year is the reason why I am here today. Writing before you. Loving before you. I feel like I have super powers. The power to heal myself. The power to overcome. The power to understand. The power to forgive. The power to be happy. The power to know I’m human and I am (ultimately) powerless.

Yours a Wondering Woman,

25swf

*This is the second post in a series of three memories from my relationship with MF I seek to purge.