(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
In an attempt to get in touch with how I truly feel about things right now so that I can decide what to do later, I would like to try honesty and NOT over-editing this post.
I miss ___. I do. I didn’t think I would still miss him this far on. It’s been 1 year, 2 months, and 26 days since we officially broke up, and 5 months and 20days since I asked him not to contact me anymore and quit talking to him. I still think that was a good choice, all things considered, and I’m not regretting that or missing our romantic relationship.
What I miss is having a friend, with whom I was completely and utterly honest, who knew more about me than a lot of people, and lived 15 minutes away. I have some friends like that now, but life and distance (distance is a big one) get in the way a lot of times. I’m not really one to bring up my problems unless we’re in close proximity (with each other or with my problems), or if you force me to tell you or ask point blank. I don’t know, maybe I’d rather everyone just understood what was going on in my head and offered to help whenever I needed it, magically guessing when I needed something. It’s hard when I want to reach out to someone and then think, nooooo… they’re probably enjoying their night, or their morning, or are busy with things, or happily going through their day with nary a thought of me in their head. UGH. That sounds so self-pitying. I don’t pity myself. I just don’t think that my problems matter much to other people. WHAAAAT. That’s dumb. I definitely have people to whom I know my problems matter. I know that. I just have a very, very difficult time reaching out, for some reason. I had a period after the relationship ended where I was better about talking about how I felt, about reaching out when I was sad, or when I missed him. Then after a few months I decided I was annoying everyone around me because they’d get (or I’d imagine they’d get) that distant look in their eye when I brought up his name.
I (honestly) didn’t think about him for a long time after we stopped talking. About 4 months, to be exact. It’s only this past month or so that I’ve started to think, What if we were friends again? What if we could pick up where we started, as friends, and stay there this time? Part of that may be because his facebook (DAMN THAT FACEBOOK) has recently had more activity than it usually does, which isn’t much considering it never had much activity to begin with. Part of it may be because I’m a little jealous that he’s been working on different films, and I haven’t been, and I want to hear about that part of life again. …part of it, and it shames me to admit it, is that some of the facebook activity has been from other gals.
But the biggest part, if, again, if I’m being completely honest, is that I’m afraid I’ll miss out on a big moment in his life. I’m afraid that something great will happen to his family, that his sister will get pregnant, or that he’ll finally finish writing that elusive screenplay, or that he’ll magically change into a grown-up person and be someone I could be friends with. Or that he’ll move away, or move out of his parent’s house, and I won’t know about it. BUT HEY – why shouldn’t he worry about missing the big things in my life?? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t. And when I think about it, that trumps the slightly panicky feelings I have of missing out on anything.
A Truly Honest Sidenote: I used to think about this stuff after we first broke up with the hope that if we just spent enough time together as friends, he would see how great I was, and how great his family and I got along, and want to get back together. Now I (honestly (gotta stay on theme)) don’t want to be back in a relationship with him. That part of my life is over, and I absolutely know that and accept that.
But to be friends… it’s so enticing. We could hang out occasionally, go to movies again with groups of people, go bowling or have coffee or whatever it is that friends do. I don’t know. Actually, me and my friends don’t really do that stuff. I don’t know what we really do, because a vast majority of my friends don’t live nearby.
The fantasy draws me in, sometimes, when I’m sad or lonely and don’t know who to call to tell them that I’m sad or lonely. It’s mostly at night, because with the late hours that I currently work, I’m usually up when everyone else is sleeping. And my brain buzzes at night. But in the harsh light of day (or of my computer screen), I know that the fantasy isn’t real. Because you know what I do with my friends? We talk. About life, love, relationships, jobs, travels, books, erections, sex, pooping, or whatever. I KNOW that I couldn’t talk to ___ about love or relationships. I know that he wasn’t ever very honest with me in the two years we were together. I know that I couldn’t talk to him about my life direction without him thinking that I still wanted it to have something to do with him. I KNOW that he is not someone who has magical insight into my life. And I know that if I were to have another relationship with someone else, which hasn’t happened yet, a lot of this would go away. But, like I said in that last post… I don’t really want a relationship. Even though it’s cold outside. I’d be okay with another fling though… There was one a little bit ago, and it was fun and wild and wonderful and happened over the space of a few days in a long summer month. Yes, another one of those would be all right by me.
I know this is a long post (which probably isn’t surprising). Eeeek. In summation – I know that ___ and I aren’t meant to have a relationship again, which I’m good with. I know that a friendship at this point would probably prove pretty awkward. And I know that the unanswered questions I have, which number 4 to be exact, I probably don’t really want to know the answers to.
But, to be honest, I still miss him. And, you know, to be honest? That’s okay.