(This post is part of an awesome series of awesome 25swf guest bloggers- read about them here!)
Shortly after my parler (Francais for “talk”) with Grandma, I met someone. The first time I laid eyes on him I felt a little flutter in my heart. No lie. It was at a distance. I had accompanied a friend to the restaurant where she worked in order for her to collect her paycheck. He was a cook there. We seemed to look up at the same time. Our eyes locked and then the little heart flutter came. I quickly looked away, because that’s how I roll. Needless to say, I had to get the scoop from my friend. Coincidentally, the young man I had locked eyes with happened to be the young man she thought I would like.
Now, had I not had that little chat with Grandma, I think I would have taken all the above as a sign that something magical and lovely was about to happen. The next time my friend went to work she said that he had actually asked her about me. It being what it was, we started dating.
I’ll be the first to say that I get cold feet. There’s no better way to put it. LOVE scares the hell out of me. I’ve fallen, but only when it was safe for me to fall, which meant that the one I fell for was usually un-available in some form and/or fashion. When they are available and their heart is in my keep, I have to wait for love to find me.
There’s another variable that factors in, which I will reveal in due time. So, I could tell that my mister was available and when he told me he loved me – his heart was in my keep. I wanted to say it back, but couldn’t lie… but eventually would… lie about it that is. I waited for the LOVE for him to find me, but it never came. Here, I had the situation, which Grandma suggested be the natural course of love, when self-preservation (and sanity) was of utmost importance. I could have settled. I cared about him, but it felt like a cruel compromise. I could not settle. I could not wait for something I knew would never come. I ended it after 10 months.
In a letter from him after the break up, which helped him find closure, I guess. He stated he too was waiting for me to give my heart to him. He knew the entire time. We were both waiting for the same thing. You can’t fake love, not the REAL thing anyway and why would you want to? “It feels like a good move, albeit a lonely one.” Oh yeah that! How soon one forgets…
Lady in Waiting,