Premonition

I would never call myself a psychic, or clairvoyant. Sometimes I think I know what’s going to happen, but that’s just because (sometimes) I’m good at putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Like a detective. Or Veronica Mars. I’ve been known to predict things. Not totally off the wall things, but just things. Nothing in the same vein of Cordelia in Angel, thank god.

Sometimes when I “predict” something it’s just something I say out loud, that I think is going to happen. And then other times it comes from a dream.

In the past year my dreams have been few and far between. I usually dream frequently and vividly. And when I’m not dreaming (or remember my dreams, rather), I know something is wrong.

But I had a dream the other night.

And it just came true.

The dream was that I was at MF’s parent’s house. It wasn’t really their house, but I knew it was where his parent’s lived. It was a situation where I kind of just ran into them. His dad was trying to give me a bed Snuggie, I don’t know what that it is or why that was happening. But that’s how his dad is, very giving. And then his sister said to me, “You forgot the glass door knobs MF gave you as a Christmas present from St. Louis.” “Door knobs, I asked?” “Yeah the box of door knobs; they are in the garage.” And she led me into the garage. He wasn’t around and I wasn’t scared of running into him or anything. I followed her.

In the garage there were tons of black cats. His sister started spraying them with this flea medicine and they were flying across the floor. It was really funny looking. Then she handed me the box.

I opened it. Inside were a handful of door knobs, both the fronts and backs. I didn’t count, but there were either 2 or 3. I instantly remembered them. Ah, yes! The door knobs! I was so happy she had gotten them back to me. His mom walked in, she was kind of glaring at me. It felt like she was mad at me for breaking up with MF. Like I had broken his heart. Ha!

She mumbled something about the door knobs I had forgotten and then she said there was some stuff I left in the other room, in a closet. I went in there by myself and opened the door. It was a small closet. Sure enough there was a bunch of my belongings. Mainly jewelry. I was puzzled as to how I had left all of this. I became anxious because I didn’t have any bags with me to carry it all. I started putting some of it into the box and then I woke up.

When I woke up I was so freaked out. Were the door knobs real? If so, where were they? Where did I leave them? They felt SO real. I wrote the dream down in a book because I was so startled by its meaning. After 5 minutes or so of pondering the true existence of said door knobs, I came to the conclusion that they were, in fact, NOT real. And MF had never given me them.

Or did he?

Those door knobs were a gift. Here are the knobs, you can move on now, walk through the next door. You have everything you need. Just decide where you want to go. He was allowing me move on. He was giving me peace. That’s what I decided it all meant. I wrote that down too.

I had this dream on Thursday of last week. It’s Sunday. Last night I slept the worse I have in probably 8 months. I didn’t really sleep, just half slept. Laying there, my brain running around in circles. It may have been the 17 miles I ran earlier that day, or the 2 and 1/2 Coke’s I consumed. I’m not sure…It may have been the feeling that something was about to happen.

After months of the last MF communication being “I needed more time” via a shitty text message. I had an email waiting in my inbox.

And rather than summarizing it, I’m just going to post the whole thing here, typos n’all. I thought about it and there’s no reason not to. This is my story, and this is a part of it.

Written at 4:06am:

Can we please not hate each other? Last year was an extreme transition in my life. I know were not compatible but I would like to hang out with you as friends if we can. Maybe for dinner? I don’t expect you to understand. It’s something you can’t experience until you are in the position t experience it. I know in your eyes I fucked up majorly. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you. Honestly. However, I have never met someone I’m compatible with on a friend level as much as you. I respect you and want to be friends with you. If you hate me I understand. But please understand that while we were together, I was in a transition in my life I could have never seen coming or have experienced. It sucked. Seriously it sucked. I miss Alaska. I know as a couple we suck but can we be friends? Would you like to have lunch or dinner for an hour? I understand you hate me and you have every right to, but please understand that I was half the person I am. The person you liked is who I am. I was in a complete transitional period and I was incomplete. I know as a couple we probably aren’t meant to be, but a friends I truly believe we are. I hope you are well.

Best,

(signed his initial)

And there it is. My door knobs. I got chills reading his email. And after the chills stopped, I got them again. I felt cold. I can’t get warm.

But I don’t know what to do. I need to think about this one. Do I even want to go there? Do I want to see him. It will probably hurt. Or maybe it won’t.

In the past when I’ve confronted my fears I’ve always been rewarded. They aren’t such a big deal anymore. It’s like looking under your bed. There’s nothing really there; and now that you’ve looked, you can finally go to sleep.

Thinking about looking is giving me goosebumps again. Damnit I’m going to have to shave my legs again.

I have to figure out what kind of doors I want these glass knobs to be on. Where do I want to walk through to next?

Right now these are the jumbled thoughts in my head:

-Was he drunk when he wrote this? Why 4:04am? Why did he mention he missed Alaska. He always stays up late, but there are a lot of typos. Then again, he always had a lot of typos in his emails.

-Of course he’s messaging me, I’m so happy right now.

-His girlfriend probably broke up with him or they are having problems. Thus, I am on his mind.

-He’s reminiscing and making the past seem rosier than it was.

-He’s missing me. Feeling guilty and wants me to give him peace.

-He’s being a mind fuck.

-He’s just trying to find closure.

-What am I going to do about this? If I meet him, what will we talk about? What would I be getting myself into? Is he in a relationship still? I don’t want to meet him if he is. That always bothered me. He met his ex-fiance a few times when we first started dating. It was awful for me.

-If I don’t meet him will I still think about him like I do? Could I just email him back and tell him that I forgive him and I think we should both just move on.

-Does he deserve my friendship? What kind of friendship could we ever have?

-If I met him, I could confront my fear. I wouldn’t be anxious about running into him. I would make it clear that we couldn’t “hang out” or do stuff like normal friends. That us meeting this time would be a closure meeting. And it would be The End.

Yours unsure of my next steps,

25swf

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