Too Cool to Care

Trying to maintain The Vow I’ve adopted this “I don’t care” attitude. I mean, I still dress up and take showers…so I care. I suppose. But I mean, my attitude is different. I don’t want anything. Or need anything. Well, want is debatable.

So I’m all relishing in my too cool to care attitude. It’s very peaceful here.

And then “breeeeeeEEEEm” (that’s my iphone text message sound).

Hmm…let’s see.

“I needed more time”

“I needed more time”

“I needed more time”

I read it three times, but it was just one text…before I said it outloud, “MF just texted me.” I am really, very, very thankful/grateful/indebted that my friend was over when I got this said text from MF.

FUCK YOU FOR TEXTING ME. That’s what I want to write back. But I didn’t and I won’t. This text made my stomach hurt. It made my feet curl up. It made me get goosebumps and feel cold at the same time.

This “time” he is referring to needing more of…this was what we talked about throughout our relationship. How he needed me to be patient. That he would get there. He would tell me, “I love you more everyday.” At the same time he was telling me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. At the same time he was yelling at me. At the same time he was neglecting me.

He is with a girl right now. In a relationship. She is being sucked in just like I was, and he has the BALLS to text me? The last time was 3 months ago and I never responded…

I’m sure she has no idea. Just like I had no idea. But I knew everything. How do I know this? Well, I wrote it all down.

Sometimes we know what’s coming, but we don’t want to see it. I swear if he texts me again, I will be letting her know. It’s not right and I won’t be a part of it.

This is something I read the other day. It bothered me, a lot. I wrote it in January…we had been dating for barely 2 months. After writing this I wrote some days later how everything was better and we had talked about it.

(click for biggerness)

And after reading the text to my friend she asked me the best thing a friend could ask…”What would make you feel better right now?” And I said, “Deleting it.”

And so with a swipe of my finger and a tap of my toe (iphone tricks) it was gone. But it’s still in my head.

“I needed more time”

And it’s upsetting. And I’m going to go take a shower and cry a little bit I’m sure. And then I will try and find my place of peace. My place of  ‘too cool to care.’ I was there for a little bit. And no stupid text can change that. At least, I won’t let it.

And to those of you who may have had urges to text your ex when you are in a current relationship, don’t…they may be crazy like me and moments away from sending it to your current GF.

I really don’t fuck around when you piss me off (and fuck up my peaceful place),

25swf

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